There are a lot of excuses men use for having a small penis or not being able to get an erection during sex. “I’ve been under a lot of stress,” “It doesn’t get full size when the air is dry,” “I thought I heard your parents come home. I know they’re on vacation, but I thought I did and once I think that, you know, that’s it.” But I have NEVER, EVER, heard an excuse like this: Reuters reports:
Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises after a wave of panic and attempted lynchings triggered by the alleged witchcraft.
I love being a dude, but holy shit we will stop at no lengths to find a reason for our penises being subpar. Imagine having this conversation while failing to impress a girl the first time she sees your penis:
MAN: No, seriously, my penis used to be HUGE, but then I cut off this guy in traffic, and well, wouldn’t you know it, he turned out to be a sorcerer that steals penises.
WOMAN: But your penis is there, it’s just really small.
MAN: Well, by stealing I meant “make smaller.”
WOMAN: What about the fact that you can’t get an erection?
MAN: Penis Sorcerer. Also I think he had something to do with my apartment bathroom being really gross.