Ninjas are something we all aspire to be. We all want to stalk our human prey while under the cover of night, with our silent footsteps inching us ever closer to our victims. The problem is, most Americas are not ninjas. Most Americans would probably make better Sumo wrestlers, really. Also, we’re not the most subtle people. Our idea of taking someone out silently is tossing some flash bangs in to a room before unloading round after round of hot lead in to our targets while the score to a Michael Bay movie blasts in the background.
It is for this reason that the state of Pennsylvania has been so intriguing in the past few months. Not too long ago we reported on a man that left his young son home alone so that he could wander the streets of Scottsdale, Pennsylvania while dressed as a ninja. Not long after that, two guys dressed as ninjas and wielding swords robbed a gas station in Richland Township, PA and made away with some cash, lottery tickets, and cigarettes.
Now to complete the trilogy of rogue ninja crime we can report to you that a ninja from South Union Township, PA was seen smashing cars.
Local man Santino Guzzo was witness to the ninja’s vandalism and had balls large enough to confront the offending ninja. We have no idea who this Guzzo guy is, other than being the guy that was saw the ninja, but we like to think of him as a master wordsmith, due to the wonderful quotes he’s given reporters while describing the ninja incident.
“He was like a gazelle that just got attacked by a lion…He got up and fell, and got up and fell. Then he jumped off a cliff.”
Guzzo went on to describe the ninja’s particularly un-ninja-like movements, saying that he “did not move with the grace typically associated with a ninja.” You shouldn’t feel too worried about Guzzo, though. Sure, the ninja may now know where he lives, but Guzzo says he “will not live in fear of the ninja’s return.”
That statement was then followed by quick flashes of Guzzo training in all manner of deadly combat – sharpening bullets, loading knives, crushing melons with his bare heads, melons that have ninja faces on them. Why won’t be fear the ninja’s return? Because when that silent son of a bitch pitter-patters his little feet in to his home, Guzzo will unleash a furious flurry of violence. It’ll look like brawls out of a Warner Bros. cartoon – a cloud of dust with arms and feet poking out of it from random points. In the end, the ninja will be dead, and Guzzo will be the sole protector of Pennsylvania.
Heroes aren’t born, they’re forged…after a ninja busts out the taillights on a couple Honda Civics.