The swine flu is here people, this is not a time to stay calm, this is a time for f*&king panic. I don’t know shit about how viruses spread, nor have I read any in depth articles about the swine flu, but I have watched the movie outbreak twice, and Morgan Freeman is in that movie and he has a voice that sounds super smart. There are three things we need to do, to avoid the END OF THE F-ING WORLD.
1. Buy These Suits
That’s right, those surgical masks won’t do shit. You know how I know those masks don’t work? Because I wore one when I was 9 and painted the house with my brother, and he grabbed my head and farted on my mouth and it smelled like I lived inside his asshole. If that can penetrate the mask, so can swine flu. Everybody in Outbreak who didn’t wear one of these suits, had to be in a scene with Dustin Hoffman where they died from the virus and then Dustin Hoffman gave a monologue about how he wished he had done more sooner. You don’t want to hear that monologue when you’re all dead and shit. Just buy the suit.
2. Don't Trust Anyone In The Government
When the shit hits the fan, there’s going to be a ton of government dudes running around with tanks and guns, yelling at us to move into quarantined areas. Quarantined areas where they can blow you the f*&k up. When shit is crazy, look around and see if you can find any kindly doctors who are screaming crazy sounding conspiracy theories. Those are the ones you should trust.
3. Quarantine and Blow Up Phoenix, Arizona
I know I just advocated against blowing up large areas, but phoenix is just a really shitty city, so I think if we have the chance to sort of just wipe it off the map, we should. Nobody would care, I swear to you. You know how when you go away for vacation and then come back and they delivered a bunch of newspapers to your house and they’re all yellow and faded from the sun, and smell like dog piss? That’s pretty much phoenix. We can move people out of it if you want, whatever, we just need to start over from the ground up there.
And the smog, and the douche police officers, and the gangbangers and just about everything everybody hates about LA. Phoenix is a middle of the road city at the worst. Hot babes, nice weather 8 months out of the year, and you dont get accosted by hobos for money all the time like in certain other cities.
Phoenix is the shit and why the FUCK would I listen to anyone that has an ex-girlfriend that's from Marana??!?!? That place is a shit hole. If anything, Tucson is expendable.
Yeah, I too live in Phoenix. Between the 30K earning "millionaires" in Snottsdale and Mexicans that steal my covered mother-fucking parking, this place is a real shit hole. But could you please increase the nuke's blast radius to engulf Tucson? Every time I'm there, hobos accost me for change.
Ironic that it was released today that Phoenix home prices have fallen the most? Check it out http://www.bizjournals.com/phoenix/stories/2009/04/27/daily16.html?ana=from_rss
Hey dumb*ss,
Have you ever been to Phoenix? It's the fifth largest city in the U.S. There has to be some redeeming qualities if people keep moving to the area. No natural disasters, three hundred days of sunshine, hot women, low cost of living, four major sports teams, one of the biggest universities in the nation, and no dealing with snow, humidity, etc. Sure, it's hot as hell for four months out of the year, but the fall, winter, and spring are amazing. I've lived other places and had to deal with snow, bitter cold, freezing wind, humidity, and torrential downpours. Phoenix isn't the best city in the nation, but it's far from the worst. Ever been to Philly before? I defy you to find a worse place in the nation.
Nuke Phoenix and the northwest valley. Leave the southeast. Well, at least Tempe, Chandler, and Gilbert. Those are nice. Mesa's kind of shitty. Tempe is where the university is. We all know what happens when college kids don't die in a nuke blast. They turn into zombies. Nobody wants that.
And nuke Tucson.
I drove there once with an overheating truck and there's a god damn fucking street light every 5 feet. It needs to go away.
The best part of this article is the arrow indicating the ex-girlfriend's house. That way you know there's nothing personal about this, Phoenix. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Fuck you asshole i live in Mesa and yea it sucks but so does almost all other city in the U.S. and fuck you guys im Mexican so stop hating on mexicans cuz were everywhere!!!!
Hey Phoenix is like Denver only a lot hotter. Blow the fucker up - just do it. Hobos are part of life os stfu! Hbos help spread disease and raise our threat level from oragne to red and gives us better immunity to disease dumbasses! :)
I am not sorry for tpos and awas not in a hurry.
ps If you don't want to figure out this word every time you comment, please either login or register for an account.
I live in Phoenix. North-west valley. Somebody PLEASE nuke this place. I met a guy walking down Glendale the other night. No shoes, looked like some one had beaten the shit out of him. Said he was from NYC and was pissed off that he had come out here, and said some thing about watching some guy get stabbed. AND there are hobos EVERY WHERE. They run shifts on all the over passes on I-17. My POS car has been broken into at least 4 times, and since I never leave any thing in it all they have done is broken shit. I have 2 roommates that haven't had a job in over a year because their either over qualified or the place doesn't hire people from a company that is even remotely close to to what they sell/provide service like like them. I have had gang bangers DEMAND smokes from me. People are rude as fuck. And a pack of smokes is allmost 8 bucks. FUCK this city, PLEASE nuke it.
(22 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
April 28th, 2009 at 09:38 pm
Seriously. Phoenix is just a hole in the ground waiting to happen. Phoenix is like LA f you take away the beaches, and the culture.
April 29th, 2009 at 05:54 pm
And the smog, and the douche police officers, and the gangbangers and just about everything everybody hates about LA. Phoenix is a middle of the road city at the worst. Hot babes, nice weather 8 months out of the year, and you dont get accosted by hobos for money all the time like in certain other cities.
April 30th, 2009 at 02:45 pm
ArePieHole's roving shotgun wielding brigade = better police force?
April 28th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Phoenix is the shit and why the FUCK would I listen to anyone that has an ex-girlfriend that's from Marana??!?!? That place is a shit hole. If anything, Tucson is expendable.
April 28th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Yeah, I too live in Phoenix. Between the 30K earning "millionaires" in Snottsdale and Mexicans that steal my covered mother-fucking parking, this place is a real shit hole. But could you please increase the nuke's blast radius to engulf Tucson? Every time I'm there, hobos accost me for change.
April 29th, 2009 at 07:12 am
Ironic that it was released today that Phoenix home prices have fallen the most? Check it out http://www.bizjournals.com/phoenix/stories/2009/04/27/daily16.html?ana=from_rss
April 29th, 2009 at 09:32 am
Hey dumb*ss,
Have you ever been to Phoenix? It's the fifth largest city in the U.S. There has to be some redeeming qualities if people keep moving to the area. No natural disasters, three hundred days of sunshine, hot women, low cost of living, four major sports teams, one of the biggest universities in the nation, and no dealing with snow, humidity, etc. Sure, it's hot as hell for four months out of the year, but the fall, winter, and spring are amazing. I've lived other places and had to deal with snow, bitter cold, freezing wind, humidity, and torrential downpours. Phoenix isn't the best city in the nation, but it's far from the worst. Ever been to Philly before? I defy you to find a worse place in the nation.
April 29th, 2009 at 05:51 pm
Sure can: San Francisco look into it.
April 29th, 2009 at 11:56 am
Nuke Phoenix and the northwest valley. Leave the southeast. Well, at least Tempe, Chandler, and Gilbert. Those are nice. Mesa's kind of shitty. Tempe is where the university is. We all know what happens when college kids don't die in a nuke blast. They turn into zombies. Nobody wants that.
And nuke Tucson.
I drove there once with an overheating truck and there's a god damn fucking street light every 5 feet. It needs to go away.
May 9th, 2009 at 01:02 am
nuke yourself you fucking faggot
April 29th, 2009 at 03:37 pm
The best part of this article is the arrow indicating the ex-girlfriend's house. That way you know there's nothing personal about this, Phoenix. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
April 29th, 2009 at 07:42 pm
I got number 2 down. Hey get it number two! That's because Adolf Obama is the biggest sack of shit to be in the Whitehouse since Taft had Chili-night.
April 29th, 2009 at 08:35 pm
Fuck you asshole i live in Mesa and yea it sucks but so does almost all other city in the U.S. and fuck you guys im Mexican so stop hating on mexicans cuz were everywhere!!!!
April 30th, 2009 at 06:20 pm
As long as you're not a Mexican that steals my covered parking, we're cool.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Lol...phoenix. Only good thing about that city is the concerts and even those suck cuz you gotta deal with the retard Phoenix crowd.
April 30th, 2009 at 10:46 am
Hilarious. Very funny.
April 30th, 2009 at 12:33 pm
Phoenix is concrete wasteland, so nuking it would just make it flatter.
April 30th, 2009 at 02:55 pm
Whatever you do, don't give Macho Man Randy Savage a bong rip of Salvia, because he will FREAK OUT:
http://www.digitalfuntown.com/videos/166
April 30th, 2009 at 06:24 pm
If Morgan Freeman asked me to kill someone I'd do it in a heart beat.
May 2nd, 2009 at 02:17 am
Dude, it's called Phoenix for a reason. Even a nuclear war couldn't destroy the fucker. The shitty city would just resurrect itself from the ashes
October 5th, 2009 at 03:01 am
Hey Phoenix is like Denver only a lot hotter. Blow the fucker up - just do it. Hobos are part of life os stfu! Hbos help spread disease and raise our threat level from oragne to red and gives us better immunity to disease dumbasses! :)
I am not sorry for tpos and awas not in a hurry.
ps If you don't want to figure out this word every time you comment, please either login or register for an account.
November 24th, 2009 at 06:15 am
I live in Phoenix. North-west valley. Somebody PLEASE nuke this place. I met a guy walking down Glendale the other night. No shoes, looked like some one had beaten the shit out of him. Said he was from NYC and was pissed off that he had come out here, and said some thing about watching some guy get stabbed. AND there are hobos EVERY WHERE. They run shifts on all the over passes on I-17. My POS car has been broken into at least 4 times, and since I never leave any thing in it all they have done is broken shit. I have 2 roommates that haven't had a job in over a year because their either over qualified or the place doesn't hire people from a company that is even remotely close to to what they sell/provide service like like them. I have had gang bangers DEMAND smokes from me. People are rude as fuck. And a pack of smokes is allmost 8 bucks. FUCK this city, PLEASE nuke it.
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