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NEWSFLASH: We Somehow Exist In The Same Universe As A Pink Fried Chicken Wing Necklace

Nicki Minaj Fried Chicken Necklace

Modern female pop stars can’t just wear a shirt and some form of pant. It seems like there’s some kind of contest between Nicki Minaj, Lady Gaga, and Katy Perry to see who can alienate themselves from the rest of humanity the fastest by way of clothing. None of these women have enough musical talent to propel themselves in to stardom with a strong voice and great lyrics alone, so they dress themselves like they’ve crawled out of a Tim Burton masturbatory fantasy hoping they’ll catch your eye with some insanity and that you’ll stick around for the catchy yet soulless tunes.

Case in point: Nicki Minaj wore a necklace to some kind of event where famous people get their pictures taken, and the necklace featured a pink fried chicken wing as its centerpiece.

And with that, we have all collectively run out of things to do.

We, as a species, have reached the point where we are converting fried chicken in to jewelry. That has to mean we reached the pinnacle of human achievement some time ago, and now we’re all just kind of spinning our wheels, trying to make this grand experiment called humanity last just a little bit longer.

But we haven’t reached the pinnacle yet.

We still haven’t colonized other planets, and no one has even the slightest clue how to make flying cars work anywhere outside of science fiction. And yet, we now live in a world where someone sat down and put thought and effort and ingenuity and craft and design in to the creation of a pink fried chicken wing necklace. Something seems…off about that. All of that grand achievement should have come first, and the pink fried chicken necklace should have been waaaay down on the “Shit We Might As Well Do Because We’ve Done Everything Else” list.

Of course, the pink fried chicken wing necklace wasn’t the result of a multi-year, multi-billion dollar government study run by NASA or DARPA; it was the work of a single fashion designer that was trying to be outrageous or some such shit like that. Knowing that there is a person out there that can clearly think outside the box, but puts their talents to use in the fried-foods-to-jewelry conversion industry is just sad.

But, hey, we live in a world where fried chicken wings can be pink’ed and jewelry’ed, so we might as well wear them and hope some absent-minded scientist trips on a cable and accidentally creates infinitely renewable energy and deep space flight at the same time; because the rest of us are too busy thinking weird equals originality. If that were to happen, we will meet alien races and they will marvel at our ability to innovate…but they will think our pink fried chicken wing necklaces are a bit much. To that we will respond, “We wear them to remember that we used to be a race that was a huge waste of the universe’s time and energy. Now we are less so.”

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