If you know anything about me it’s that I start a lot of articles with this joke. But you may also know I have a fascination with TLC, the one-time Learning Channel. Like KFC when they dropped “chicken” from the name and started using possum meat (allegedly), TLC had to drop the learning moniker when it became clear their audience was made up of people whose IQs were just rolling back like an odometer at a shady autobody joint.
Because of the special feelings I have for TLC, I wanted to throw them this bone and help them program for next season. So TLC, you may freely use any of these ideas (except not freely, I will expect payment), to help entertain and give learnin’s to your audience.
It’s Not an Addiction But I’ll Eat This for Money
TLC knows you like freakshows, but there are only so many legitimate freakshows in the world, especially with A&E sucking up half the market share. So let’s season our mental illness with a dash of upfront, legit exploitation and start paying people to put awful things inside their bodies!
My Strange Addiction has proven people are willing to drink pee and eat dirt on their own time, imagine what kind of desperate, filthy vagrants we can get and what they’d be willing to eat if there’s a fat payday involved? Fear Factor already proved even the most pretty people will consume semen and stewed colon for the chance at $50,000, the sky’s the limit if we guarantee cash to ugly people who aren’t being expected to run fast or climb anything at the same time.
Potential first season episodes can include;
- Tongue bathing a hobo who ate bad Mexican last night
- Roadkill buffet
- Parasite infested, wounded pigeons found in back alleys
- Waste from a plastic surgery clinic
- Michael Moore’s sweatpants after a workout
Reality TV is built on a framework of little people and pastry. At least it is on the cable channels no self respecting humans watch. TLC, now’s your chance to combine your two passions, little people who may or may not be uninteresting assholes and cake that may or may not be worth eating into one super fun awesome package that can air about 15 times a week and for 6 straight hours on Fridays – Cake Midget!
We’ll follow a midget baker as they struggle to not get stuck in an oven, or build a wedding cake with more than one tier, and other hilarious shit that’s sad if you have a soul but is awesome if you love TLC and/or the idea that short people sure as shit are short! Plus cake! You like cake, don’t you fatty?
My Big Fat Gypsy Curse
TLC knows that you like to live your life like an ignorant white Anglo-Saxon protestant in a gated community from the 1950’s who thinks you need to take a boat trip to find a Negro and that rice is exotic food suitable for the world’s fair and vacations to crime-riddled cities like Des Moines. What could be more appealing to you than a show about people who are different than you? Maybe dusky skinned peoples known for their love of fraud and flamboyant clothing choices? Oh, and harlotry.
Following on the heels of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, a show already hacky by virtue of its terrible parody name, and due to at least one intern at TLC having a vague sort of awareness for what passes as popular in pop culture, let’s mix exploitation of minorities with a touch of horror and present gypsy curses to our lapsed Christian fans who would probably eat vegetables with dinner if the tomato would just stop falling out of the back of the burger. What gypsy curses, you ask? Ha ha, these popular old chestnuts!
- That curse from the Wolfman
- That curse from Thinner
- That curse from Drag me to Hell
- That curse from the TV show Angel/Buffy
- That curse from Cat People
- That curse from that one episode of the Simpsons
Look at that, that’s 6 episodes right there, plus there’s probably way more curses if you’re willing to go speak to a gypsy. Just don’t buy their pots and pans, it’s a scam.
Salt Lake Ink
You saw Miami Ink, you sighed at LA Ink, you didn’t even bother to watch New York Ink, now get ready to read then re-read the title of Salt Lake Ink. Follow the adventures of one of the random tattoo artists from one of those other tattoo shows as they move to the tattoo Mecca of Utah, Salt Lake City, where the ink flows like Patron, assuming either one is legal within the city limits. Can an upstart tattoo artist make his mark when everyone is Mormon and apparently decked out in magical underwear? Is this where we film Sister Wives and if so does anyone care? How can there be so many shows on TV that are pretty much exactly the same? All this and more waiting for you in the Crossroads of the West. Ugh.
Orphan Hunger Games
The Hunger Games is this Spring’s biggest movie and it just features kids killing each other for sandwiches, we think. Since very few parents are willing to sign off on that in a real world scenario, TLC presents the parentless refuse of society – orphans! Yes, orphans exist in legal loopholes being not quite people but not quite property so you’re free to do with them as you wish once an orphanage signs the over. Best part is, we don’t even know if orphanages exist anymore, so you can probably pick these little scallywags up from overworked, underpaid and entirely apathetic social workers in any major city. Hell, they’ll probably give you a bulk discount!
If there’s one truism about every orphan, beyond the lack of parents, it’s that they’re hungry. So when TLC sets a gaggle of the little parentless tykes free in a forest with a promise of cake for the sole survivor, it’s not hard to see how this show pretty much just wrote itself.