Have you heard of Planking? Of course you haven’t, because there’s a very good chance you weren’t bludgeoned over the head with steel rods by a pack of feral douchbags. Planking is a new “craze” that’s sweeping…somewhere. Possibly nowhere. Planking is, well, let me allow Wikipeida, with its highly technical explanations of things, to explain it to you:
Planking is the action of lying face down with arms to the sides, in unusual public spaces and photographing it.
Now, I’m only 25, so I haven’t quite yet earned the right to use the phrase “back in my day,” but screw it. Back in my day, people that lied around on stuff where either dead or cats. Apparently, I’ve already reached the age where irony is lost on me, and I cannot, for the life of me, understand how any of this shit…
…is in anyway worthy of not only doing, but photographing and showing off. But that’s just me. Maybe I am getting old.
This Daily Mail article tells the harrowing and saddening tale of one Australian man that died while participating in the EXTREME!!!! sport of Planking. (Squealing guitar!!) In other words, the guy couldn’t even lie down without hurting himself to death. He tried to plank a seventh-floor balcony railing, slipped and died. He’s probably now in that special room in Hell reserved for the kind of people that somehow puncture lungs while performing lame stunts that will net their Youtube accounts a whole 17 extra hits and a few comments about how they’re all a bunch of “retard fags.”
The only possible explanation for this fad’s existence is that it really isn’t a fad that people enjoying doing for the sport (?) of it, but do it because in doing it and showing off the evidence that proves they’ve done it, they’ve somehow trolled everybody that sets eyes on the picture. When you look at a Planking photo and you’re filled with that sense of bewilderment, that feeling is actually the glee pouring out of the clan of hipsters that started this fad. This fits perfectly in line with the hipster mathematical equation I came up with:
Hipster Happiness = Regular People Confusion + (IncreasedHatred of Hipsters × ∞)
It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself a hipster or not; if you take an ironic picture of yourself lying face down on a thing and then show that picture off hoping someone out there in the ether will “get it,” you’re not only a hipster, you’re a genetic defective, especially if corpses and coma patients can do it better.