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Planking: The Fad For Tools

planking

Have you heard of Planking? Of course you haven’t, because there’s a very good chance you weren’t bludgeoned over the head with steel rods by a pack of feral douchbags. Planking is a new “craze” that’s sweeping…somewhere. Possibly nowhere. Planking is, well, let me allow Wikipeida, with its highly technical explanations of things, to explain it to you:

Planking is the action of lying face down with arms to the sides, in unusual public spaces and photographing it.

Now, I’m only 25, so I haven’t quite yet earned the right to use the phrase “back in my day,” but screw it. Back in my day, people that lied around on stuff where either dead or cats. Apparently, I’ve already reached the age where irony is lost on me, and I cannot, for the life of me, understand how any of this shit…


…is in anyway worthy of not only doing, but photographing and showing off. But that’s just me. Maybe I am getting old.

This Daily Mail article tells the harrowing and saddening tale of one Australian man that died while participating in the EXTREME!!!! sport of Planking. (Squealing guitar!!) In other words, the guy couldn’t even lie down without hurting himself to death. He tried to plank a seventh-floor balcony railing, slipped and died. He’s probably now in that special room in Hell reserved for the kind of people that somehow puncture lungs while performing lame stunts that will net their Youtube accounts a whole 17 extra hits and a few comments about how they’re all a bunch of “retard fags.”

The Wiki page for Planking even specifies the particular type of Planking you’re looking up, adding the parenthetical “(fad)” to the title just in case you thought Shad Planking, which is an annual political event/food festival in Virginia named after a fish, somehow involved lying stiffly across an oily, bony smoked fish.

The only possible explanation for this fad’s existence is that it really isn’t a fad that people enjoying doing for the sport (?) of it, but do it because in doing it and showing off the evidence that proves they’ve done it, they’ve somehow trolled everybody that sets eyes on the picture. When you look at a Planking photo and you’re filled with that sense of bewilderment, that feeling is actually the glee pouring out of the clan of hipsters that started this fad. This fits perfectly in line with the hipster mathematical equation I came up with:

Hipster Happiness = Regular People Confusion + (Increased Hatred of Hipsters × )

It doesn’t matter if you consider yourself a hipster or not; if you take an ironic picture of yourself lying face down on a thing and then show that picture off hoping someone out there in the ether will “get it,” you’re not only a hipster, you’re a genetic defective, especially if corpses and coma patients can do it better.

Xtreme Planking

13 Responses to "Planking: The Fad For Tools"

  1. ToyMachine says:

    i’m gonna go do it on the street.

  2. Jack says:

    Don’t worry about the age thing. If you’re 25, it’s almost certain that most of the people doing this are 10 years older than you and trying to prove a point about being “young at heart.”

    That’s why hipsters suck so much. They put so much effort into trying to seem young that they completely miss the point and look old. If you’re young, you don’t care about irony anyway, and you don’t listen to the Decemberists either.

  3. Eric says:

    It’s a trend that started with an anime called Shin Chan, which is fucked up, but in a hilarious way.

  4. Al Frank says:

    I’m 43, so I can use the phrase, “back in my day”. Back in my day we didn’t have Iphone technology that we wanted to use so desperately that we invented dumb-shit to do just so we could photo it, and send it to our friends in a constant game of, “Look At Me!”

  5. Brendan says:

    im 19 and i straight up think this shit is fucking retarded i learnt about planking a couple weeks ago when my mate rushed in and showed me his phone saying hey look at me planking i promptly called him an idiot and told him how stupid the “planking” is he hasn’t mentioned the activity since

  6. a guy can dream says:

    someone killed themselves at lying down thats natural selection right there

    • Eric says:

      True, but he should be eligible for this year’s Darwin Award. (People who improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it)

      • a guy can dream says:

        thats right just weeding out the idiots thats all hopefully we haven’t let them reproduce yet

  7. Brendan says:

    well another man will be permanently planking from now on the dude was doing it on top of a moving car and is now in a coma http://news.ninemsn.com.au/national/8250875/man-in-coma-after-car-planking-stunt-fails this shit is still happening in my own country what the fuck