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Please, Fellas, Enough With the “F*ck Her Right in the Pussy” Stuff Already

(Shark. Jumped.)

By Jared Jones

Because the Internet would likely implode if it wasn’t constantly being fueled by inane memes, hoaxes, Buzzfeed lists, and cat videos, all the kids are currently buzzing about the “Fuck Her Right in the Pussy” meme, wherein you grab the microphone of a local reporter and yell the aforementioned phrase into the camera before slinking away like the manly man that you are. It’s the meme equivalent of shouting insults at someone sitting at a bus stop from the passenger seat of a moving car (“Bus wankers!”), and a rather ironic meme to boot, in that the people who have earned their 15 seconds of fame for shouting it likely have no idea what it actually feels like to perform the act.

The meme has gained quite a bit of notoriety in recent weeks, with World Cup field reporters taking the brunt of the abuse. Here’s one that occurred shortly after the Brazil vs. Chile round of 16 match.

Here’s one from after the United States’ loss to Belgium…

And finally, here’s one that happened directly after Germany defeated Argentina in the finals…

Hi-larious.

But it was funny the first few times, right? No, because just like everything else on the Internet, “Fuck Her Right in the Pussy” wasn’t actually an act of spontaneous tomfoolery, but rather a “viral hoax campaign” created by filmmaker John Cain, who I’m sure is the next David Fincher just looking for his big break.

“This is sure to boost the IMDB score of my next movie by at least a star!”

In any case, this shit needs to stop.

Our need to glorify every last cultural oddity or joke by beating them into the ground with hashtags and copycat stunts like these has reached peak levels of annoyance — we have all essentially become the girl who tries too hard to fit in with her guy friends by shouting unprompted jokes about her vagina at parties. “I call it the Fortress of Solitude, because it’s icy, frigid, and takes a super man to open it!”

And now what, we have to start celebrating faked moments in pop culture? And not only faked ones, but faked ones that were presented as “real” for the sole purpose of giving another untalented douchebag a slice of undeserved fame? I am sick to goddamn death of having the rug pulled out from under my feet and then rewarding the jackass who did it. I guess reality television is probably to blame for our cultural masochism when it comes to entertainment, but if every beautiful or hilarious or tragic viral video we discover doesn’t turn out to be a Jimmy Kimmel prank or a jeans ad or a Nathan for You sketch, it’s because of some nobody like the FHRITP guy needing to spread awareness about his terrible upcoming project. Fuck you, Mr. Cain. Fuck you right in your ass-pussy.

Look, we all know that the job of a field reporter is a terrible one. What other occupation requires you to stand unexposed in a torrential downpour for 5 hours to inform the viewing audience that, yes, it’s f*cking raining outside? And when you’re not fighting for your life against sideways rain, you’re dealing with people so stupid that they either gaze upon a camera like its the Ark of the Covenant or people so desperate for human contact and/or attention that they agreed to take time out of their day to be interviewed about a fender bender on 14th and Oakland or the new landfill over on East Bumfuck Road.

Unfortunately, less than 1% of everyday people give an interview as good as this. 

And worst of all, these reporters are living under the illusion that the story about the new landfill on East Bumfuck Road is somehow going to lead to them becoming the next Barbara Walters, so why bring them further down to earth? Just because no one with Internet access watches the news doesn’t mean we all need to become the news with Adam Sandler-level jokes like these.

Not to mention the simplest fact: It’s rude on a sociopathic level. Pranking someone who is simply trying to do their job is not humorous, it’s malicious. Imagine if I came up to you while you were working, smacked the half-made burger out of your hand, and screamed “Wendy’s IS PEOPLE!!” before running out through a crowd of horrified onlookers. Any man who yanks the microphone out of a reporter’s hand warrants this response, no exceptions.

So please, fellas, enough with this “F Her Right in the P” stuff. It’s childish, misogynistic, and worst of all, it’s not even clever. You feel that shouting something into a camera will make you a more memorable guy at school, or around the office? I’ve got an idea: Walk into your classroom/office tomorrow morning with a 12-gauge and splatter your brains all over the chalk/whiteboard. Internet pranksters don’t receive a two-page spread in the yearbook, that’s for sure.

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