Hope you’re not totally caught off guard by this letter, but there’s an issue that myself and the rest of the family have to bring to your attention. It’s about your pole dancing. We’ve been supporting you for long enough, but we can no longer remain quiet about this.
Now that the internet knows, it’s going to become an issue for my brother and I. You allowed our family photographs to posted by a major publication. Your face and our face our now online, and we can’t even claim that the fact that our last names are the same is just a coincidence.
We understand that it’s “great exercise,” and you find it “stimulating,” but it’s ruining the rest of us. Do you know what it’s like to have a dad who pole-dances? It’s worse than if your mom did it, particularly because you’re not even making any money from it. There are a million other activities you could be doing for exercise. Even ones that, like pole dancing, are more popular among women. How about hot yoga? Pilates? Step Classes? All of those classes are offered at the Y, and several other places around town and they’d give you a chance to hang out with hot young chicks, and you wouldn’t be embarrassing the crap out of your family.
And what’s with the glitter? Why are you taking it to the next level? You come home three days a week sweating, glittery and smelling like perfume. Perfume? Glitter? Come on dad. You know, we all thought you were having an affair, or spending time at the strip club. Imagine our horror when we found out the truth, which was even worse. It’d be easy to explain to your friends that your dad is into pole dancers. It’s impossible to explain to them that he’s also doing the dancing.
Please, spare our reputations. Start working out at home, get a P90x, or just come out of the closet. We love you, but this is getting weird.
Kevin, Daryl and Mom
(read the actual article here)