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Pole Dancing Has Officially Become SFW. Damnit.

Yesterday we posted a video of a woman who offers pole dancing classes on Sunday after church. She claims to be pole dancing for Jesus. That video is just the most recent indication that pole dancing has officially jumped the sexy shark…

In case you’r not aware, the O.G. version of pole dancing was not exactly S.F.W., according to Wikipedia, it was really just a fertility ritual. From a time when people thought dancing around a phallic symbol would help you get pregnant. Here’s the direct excerpt from Wikipedia:

According to the polemic anti-Catholic pamphlet, The Two Babylons, the origin of the maypole dance began in ancient Babylon during sex worship and fertility rites. A carved upright representation of the human penis was danced around by young females and woven with ribbons to ensure offspring.

Sure, maypole dancing looks innocent enough, but essentially these fair young maidens were wrapping their metaphorical ribbons around a giant penis. It’s an ancient ritual. That means that today’s strippers are not only putting themselves through college but they’re also carrying on a longstanding tradition. The only difference is, todays pole dancers aren’t hoping to get pregnant because most of them already have kids.

Pole dancing has now made an official turn for the worse. It started with housewives wanting to get sexy while getting in shape throwing a pole in the basement and dancing away. Totally fine. Still sort of sexy. If you think your wife is sexy. But it didn’t stop there, because now the entire family’s joined in. For shame!

It doesn’t stop there, friends. It just keeps going. There are several websites dedicated to pole dancing “for fitness”. Poledancenews.com is one of them. If you point your browser in that direction, you’d think pole dancing was some subgenre of ribbon dancing (however, if you watch the slide show on the front page, you’ll notice that none of the ladies appears to be dressed for a workout. Nobody wears high-heeled strappy shoes and a sequined bra for fitness. Way to keep tradition alive poledancenews.com!)

The only really creepy part of this whole metamorphosis of pole dancing is the fact that kids are doing it. To their credit, I’m sure the really young ones have no idea that pole dancing is associated with stripping. They’ve never seen the episode of MTV Cribs where Big Boi brags about the stripper pole in his living room. And let’s consider that another casualty. Those hip hop stars and those rockers who mounted poles in their homes so them and their debased friends could get boners without leaving the house will no just look like they’ve put in a new piece of exercise equipment.

It’s all so sad. We lost a lot this week. Knut the polar bear and pole dancing. What’s next internet? What’s next?

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