Being sexually adventurous is a nice thing that can spice up any relationship. Though, there is a certain line of silliness and impracticality that people cross every once in a while in an attempt to reach their version of sexual nirvana. Recently, I wrote about a couple that had sex while skydiving. They thought that by combining the thrill of sex with the possibility of being turned in to paste their sexual pleasure would be maximized tenfold, or however many fold the possibility of getting turned in to paste generates. I’m assuming about twelve. I don’t know. In school, I never paid attention to the lessons on the exchange rates between death-defying acts and folds.
The latest instance of a couple getting their rocks off in an impractical way comes to us from Poland, where a young couple was caught having sex while shooting down a waterslide.
This article can go in a few different directions from here, but I want to focus on the practicality of having sex while riding a waterslide. Namely, I want to address the issues of disgustingness in relation to genital health post-waterslide coitus.
Issue #1: Water All Up In Your Holes
I’ve never had a geyser enema, so I can’t speak from experience, but I think it’s safe to say that rocketing down a waterslide while having sex will cause geyser-like torrents of water to be pounded in to the holes in your genitals. Again, I can’t speak from experience, but having a vagina would be awful in this scenario. The anus, it has really good muscles that protect from rapid intrusion. The vagina — that shit’s like your mouth hanging open as you sleep. Or, better yet, it’s like an open window on a windy day. The only things preventing that air from hitting you with full force are a few pathetic drapes that can be moved aside with little to no effort. Now imagine a dam busting and your window is still open.
Sure, you can plug the gap, but once that plug shakes loose – and it will, eventually — your uterus gets its paint stripped away by a pressure cleaner called fluid dynamics.
Issue #2: Other People’s Butts
Bathing suits, swimming trunks, whatever you like to call them, they have never been very sturdy and grip-y. They sag and they slip and they slide – even a solid, well-fitting pair. Swimming apparel that covers your lower half is to pants as a college pothead is to finals week – neither is fully prepared to take on the task at hand, and both always seem surprised to discover that they were ill-equipped to take on the task to begin with. As a result, when using a bathing suit to slide down anything, the trunks or bikini bottoms tend to run away from their sole responsibility, thus allowing full-on anus-to-waterslide contact.
You may not know this, but a big part of sex is nakedness. Nakedness is all about vulnerability, both physically and emotionally. This means that your under-parts are vulnerable to butt streaks on plastic. Yeah, there’s water flowing, washing away much of the grossness, but as we all know, butt stuff is hard to get rid of, both physically and emotionally. And we’ve already discussed the matter of water torrenting all up in you, so do you really want a tall glass of violent water followed by an ass juice chaser, all administered rectally or vaginally or penile-ly (?)?
Issue #3: Plastic Burns
You may have water lubricating your descent, but that doesn’t mean your exposed ass cheeks are protected from the harshness of the plastic of the slide. We all remember being a kid and trying to ride the slide with shorts on. You may move a couple of feet, but halfway down your ride come to a sudden halt as your flesh grips the plastic and your skin feels like it’s being yanked away by your momentum. Now imagine if this was your exposed ass, or, I shudder to think of it, a wee bit of testicle meat? Instant bleeding and an automatic life-time ban from that waterpark.
I love my testicles. I also really like waterparks. I don’t know which fate would be worse — losing a nut or not being able to pee in a massive toilet filled with people. Losing both, at the same time? I’d rather die.