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Pondering The Potential Hilarity (and Tragedy) of This Car Getting In To an Accident

Is it weird to think that this might be the only conceivable situation where a baby’s death might be hilarious?  It would be tragic as all hell. That poor child’s life is drastically cut short by the stupidity of what I assume is its father, but wouldn’t it be a real knee slapper if that car hit another car, and the air bag went off? Right now, go grab yourself a baby doll and a large yoga ball. Now bounce that baby off the yoga ball. Funny, right? That fake baby soared comically through the air. Now replace that yoga ball with an airbag and replace that fake baby with a real one. The result is like something out of a Warner Bros. cartoon: a baby being propelled through the air all stiff and ridged in that classic getting-flung-back-through-the-air position, with momentum thrusting the torso backwards and the arms and legs struggling to catch up as they’re being dragged behind. Maybe the baby would even make a funny sound as it soared majestically toward its inevitable baby death — a sound that’s a cross between a baby crying and a baby being launched backwards off a deploying air bag.

Does this thought make me a bad person? Maybe. Most likely. But keep in mind, truly bad person would slide their baby in to the steering wheel of a car as it was navigating through traffic, assuming that familiar position of a car window Garfield doll with the suction cup hands.

But what if the car got rear-ended? I’m just making the assumption that it would get in to a head-on collision. If the car was struck from behind, the momentum would swing forward. The baby wouldn’t soar hysterically (read: tragically) through the air. It would probably stay perfectly still, or at least as still as a baby clinging to the steering wheel of a car being rear-ended could be. So the funny wouldn’t result from the baby’s reaction, but from the father’s, as his head would violently jerk back and then violently launch forward, delivering an astoundingly insane headbutt. Imagine every headbutt you’ve ever seen in a movie. Now imagine that headbutt being delivered to a baby. Great, right? Terrible. Truly, truly, truly terrible. Just an absolutely awful thing to imagine that makes your faith in humanity drop by about 1,000 points. But great.

Again, I’m probably a bad person for thinking such a tragic event would be in any way humorous, but that’s not the point. The point is this tragic event would be humorous in many ways. That’s most certainly a contradiction of views, but who cares? As far as any of us know that baby is just fine. Sure, it was involved in a really stupid thing, but from what any of us could tell from that video it’s still alive and shitting itself on a regular basis. So why not bask in the glow of what could have been? It’s not hurting anyone. It’s defiantly not hurting that baby. And even if, hypothetically, our laughing at the possibility of that baby’s death certificate citing the cause of death as “fired off airbag like frog on slingshot”  did any kind of harm to that baby through some kind of mystical power along the lines of someone’s ears tingling when someone is talking about them behind their back, then that harm would deal far, far less damage to that baby than attaching it to the steering wheel of a moving car. Christ, the window of that car could have been open, the dad could have spun the wheel to make the turn, and that baby could have been tossed out of that car accompanied by the sound of a cute and silly baby gurgle fading out in to the street; the parents freaking out because they thought attaching a baby to the steering wheel was one of the most brilliant ideas in galactic history, but now they are suffering the pain and sadness that comes along with being so universally stupid.

Yeah, it’s funny to think about that kind of stuff from time to time. I guess it helps that none of it actually happened. But if it did, and you still laughed…well, it’s kind of hard to blame you. You’re a terrible person, but in this case, it wouldn’t be your fault. Those parents shouldn’t have killed their kid in such a cartoonish manner.

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