It’s International Talk like a Pirate Day! Yep, the one day a year when we can all take up the locution of seafaring murderers, thieves and rapists. What fun! Of course, in recent years, the pirate has become more of a loveable scallywag of the high seas than a malnourished, disease-carrying sea dick but whatever. Make like the Vatican and pretend all that rape never happened and you can have fun Jack Sparrow-style, too.
In honor of this day, we were going to do a list of awesome pirates, but that rape thing kept getting in the way. So instead, here’s a list of pop culture pirates that kind of suck. And if this list isn’t enough, feel free to check out these pop culture videos.
Dread Pirate Roberts
The Dread Pirate Roberts needs to find a dictionary and look up “dread” because he fails miserably at living up to the name. The character, from the Princess Bride, is known for being the most awful pirate on the seas, a man who never takes captives. This implies he murders everyone. This also implies that, during his extended tenure as the Dread Pirate Roberts, Cary Elwes was killing people left and right. This, of course, is utter crap as every human has an innate immunity to being killed by Cary Elwes simply because Cary Elwes is the biggest pussy ever.
If you believe the story, Roberts took Elwes (or Westley, if you prefer) captive and, instead of killing him, made him apart of the crew and then groomed him to be the new Pirate Roberts when he retired. The reason? He said please, and then described his love, Sean Penn’s ex-wife. If Sean Penn’s ex-wife can make you turn your back on a life of sea murder, then you suck as a pirate. You could have at least held out for Scarlett Johansson.
The end of the movie implies that Inigo Montoya will now take up the mantle of Roberts, further wussying up the whole murdering everyone plot as Inigo is also, ya know, a hero and all. At least he kills one guy in the movie, but still. He devotes his whole life to avenging his father and the decides the thing to do after that is to murder and steal from innocent sailors? Atta Boy.
A predictable writer would have furiously mocked the last Pirates of the Caribbean movie, but we don’t take cheap shots here. Instead, we go back to the more popular movies and wonder about the villainous Davy Jones and his gross, octopus ass-mouth. Jones is an otherworldly being, immortal and damned and something of a high seas grim reaper, whose task is supposed to be ferrying souls lost at sea to the other side. Of course he ended up banging an island girl and then turning into a blue plate special so shit when awry at some point, but that was the gist of it.
While Bill Nighy is an awesome actor and he really sold the part, the fact is, Davy Jones’ face is an octopus’ ass. I can’t stress that enough. Sure, all the crew is a mishmash of sea life, covered in claws and barnacles and all manner of other sea-crap, but Jones was the main villain across two films and his claim to fame was that his face one-upped Hentai. That’s a terrible thing for someone to write about you on a comedy website.
A classic from film and literature, Captain Hook was the nemesis of Peter Pan, the boy who never grew up. He also had a hook for a hand, hence the clever name. Despite the fact he’s supposed to be an accomplished villain, the fact remains he continuously gets his ass handed to him by a small boy. He plays out Home Alone repeatedly with Peter Pan and gets fed to a crocodile as a result not once but twice. If the same crocodile eats you (or at least parts of you) twice, then you need to sit down, have a drink, and reassess the situation and what you plan on getting out of it. Yes, Peter Pan was an asshole, but once you start losing body parts it’s time to cut your losses. Frankly, Peter Pan was creepy enough all on his own that he didn’t need a villain anyway.
Hook, rather than proving himself in any awesome way, becomes a Joe Pesci-like comic foil for a jerk-off flying tween.
No list of lame somethings is ever complete without a trip to comic book land, because if you can make a lame something, he’s already fought Batman. In this case, say hello to Kanjar Ro. Hello!
If you hadn’t guessed from his car-razy name and silly head, Kanjar is a space pirate, not to be confused with a butt pirate or an astronaut. Three very different things right there. Anyway, Ro here was a pirateering slave trader of another galaxy or something and may or may not have literally fought the Blue Beetle with a gong as a weapon, I can’t say for sure – his history makes for some odd reading. But I do know Batman kicked his ass. Oh, and he looks like that picture.
Geena Davis has a legitimate fan base out there but there’s always been a creepy quality to her I just can’t put my finger on. Like if it came out tomorrow that Geena Davis was actually a character that Don Knotts had made up, I wouldn’t be all that surprised. Plus she’s very gaunt. She must have one hell of a skull under that head skin.
Esthetics aside, Davis took to the silver screen back in the day in the epic pirate shart Cutthroat Island, the movie that cemented Renny Harlin as an asstastic director and the film that also finally made some people agree that it’s not really worth it to watch Geena Davis in a pirate movie. She was fine in the Fly, it should have ended there.
The movie itself was such a turd it bankrupted the company that financed it and, in fact, holds a distinction with the Guinness Book of Records for being the biggest movie failure ever. It’s also a pirate movie that features Geena Davis as a pirate. Geena Davis who was either Thelma or Louise. That Geena Davis. Literally. A pirate.
Of all the shitty pirates in all the land, none stinks quite so bad as jean Lafoote. Jean was the archenemy of Cap’n Crunch, who you may not have even realized had an enemy, and you certainly wouldn’t have intuited it, because why the hell does a cereal spokesman need an enemy? Sadly, back in the day, it was par for the course that every cartoon spokesman was apparently a dangerous malcontent who needed to be kept from their own product at all costs. Ask the Trix rabbit.
For whatever reason, Lafoote had two things going for him – he was French and he wore no shoes. This may or may not have been relevant to his endless desire for Cap’n Crunch cereal, who’s to say. But in an effort to make him ore/less lame, they actually cast a real person in some of the commercials. So lets see how that turned out.