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This Porn Gig Will Totally Jumpstart My Acting Career

porn actress

Wow, considering it’s my first time, I think that porn scene I shot turned out really well! I didn’t come off as a desperate drug-addicted tramp selling herself for money at all! I can’t believe I was worried about that. I just look like your average college coed, a normal girl who happens to be getting a train run on her. It looks great, and the best part is it will totally jump start my acting career.

Look how hot I look! Well, don’t look now because my face is blocked by that guy’s grundle. There, look now? Don’t I look sexy? I mean, aside from the tear-streaked mascara. I’m so photogenic! Even when my cheek is being stretched to the limit like that, you can tell I have a really nice smile. Looking back, I’m so glad my dad made me get braces.

porn star running mascara

But it’s not just about looking good. You’ve gotta make the audience believe. It doesn’t mater if you’re playing Ophelia from Hamlet or Backdoor Babe #14, you’ve got to know your character. Unfortunately, the only back story the director was able to provide was that “she’s a stupid sl*t who better do what she’s told if she wants the $300.” That’s not a lot to go on, but somehow I made it work. I think it speaks to my versatility as an actress. Those classes at UCB really paid off. You hear those duck-like noises I’m making as my throat is repeatedly violated? Those weren’t in the script. I improvised that!

It’s too bad this is going straight to the Internet. I was hoping to send the DVDs to some friends, and maybe to CAA and Endeavor. No matter. As soon as they load it onto Redtube, I’m sure it’s going to take the net by storm. I feel it will really stand out from the crowd, even with our less than stellar marketing campaign. To be honest, the title needs work. They left it up to the Russian dude who was uploading it. “Skank Need All Holes Be Filled” doesn’t really roll off the tongue, but I think my performance will carry it through. 

sasha grey entourage

I wonder if I’ll get a role on "Entourage?" If Sasha Grey did it, why can’t I? Just because she’s one success story out of thousands and thousands of spectacularly depressing failures doesn’t mean I can’t do it too. It’s all about being positive, which I totally am. Unfortunately, now I’m also positive for Herpes Simplex 2, but with the money I’m going to make from my E! reality show, I’ll be able to buy all the Valtrex I can handle!

It’s a great feeling to know that all my hard work and determination has finally paid off. Years of waiting tables and acting classes, not to mention all those awful auditions, are finally yielding results. And just think; if I hadn’t spent all my money on drugs in Vegas, I might not have paid attention to that “Actresses Wanted” billboard. Sometimes life has a funny way of working out. I guess there’s nothing left to do but let the offers roll in.

Well Mr. Spielberg, the ball is in your court.

6 Responses to "This Porn Gig Will Totally Jumpstart My Acting Career"

  1. Justin Halpern says:

    Huh…I could have sworn this used to be a HUMOR website.

  2. Cory Jones says:

    Me too.

  3. Asshole Lawyer says:

    as did i

  4. Still the representative says:

    me three

    Also, I googled herpes on image search after reading this and the pictures were yucky. I still have a boner from that 25 canadian chicks list though. I wonder what’s wrong with me and holytaco?

  5. cyclopsthere says:

    Funny concept, can’t help feel like the onion tackled this one all ready. Maybe it was just the tone.

  6. slappyMcgee says:

    Finally some one is talking sense about the reality of being a porn star. Im sure all of you would love for your daughters you do have, or might have one day, to get into the biz and have her body abused and violated for money and have her pretend she likes it. These porn companies are the people who make human trafficking possible. Have fun paying money and abetting human trafficking by buying or watching porn just so you can fapp to someones daughter. Go human race!!