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Potential New Earth Discovered — Endless Opportunities To Ruin Another Planet

Over fifty new planets have now been discovered by an exoplanet hunting telescope, according to an article from National Geographic, and one of them may be totally inhabitable. And by inhabitable, I mean ripe for human destruction! The planet scientists believe is most likely to be able to sustain life is a mountainous planet 3.5 times the size of earth; it’s being referred to as “Super-Earth”.

FYI, If you want to impress girls, you can call Super-Earth by it’s official name “HD 85512 b”. Call it “Super-Earth” in the wrong circles, and you will get called out as a fraud!

Within a few years time, I’m sure we’ll be able to reach this second Earth, and I’m hoping that it won’t be anything like the TV show Earth 2, which was cancelled after one season. We’re going to have to decide on three major things for HD 85512 b so we don’t totally blow this one:

#1 Give it an appropriate name:

Super-Earth, though it will increase land value and give the new planet a sense of prestige, will make everyone on Earth feel inadequate. HD 85512 b sounds like the model number of a wireless router, and it’s really hard to remember, so that’s definitely out, too. Let’s take this new Earth in a new direction and let the bidding begin. The world wouldn’t be able to agree on one particular historical figure to name it after, so we’re going to have to let money talk. The global corporation with the most money and the most sway will give the new planet it’s name. Let’s just call it Planet Wal-Mart.

#2 Decide on a universal language, currency and system of meausurement:

English, the Dollar, and American. Duh.

#3 Decide on an appropriate form of government:

We’d like to say democracy, but that’ll go out the window way too quickly. This planet will run purely on capitalism. You’re probably saying “Wait a minute, capitalism isn’t a form of government!” It is now, friend. Survival of the fittest. If you can’t afford to live on Wal-Mart, then you just can’t live on Wal-Mart. You’re going to have to stay on Earth and figure out how to get ahead. If you’re fortunate enough to get the money together for a plot of land on Wal-Mart, then you’re going to have to fight tooth and nail to stay on Wal-Mart, because your neighbor can buy you out completely if he or she desires.

We’ve been given a second chance here, people. We can review Earth’s history with the help of science videos and move ourselves forward to a whole new planet where we’ll have a fresh start. An all new opportunity to completely booger up something else. I’m really looking forward to living on Wal-Mart.

Photo via National Geographic

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