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Practical Advice for the Creepy Lovelorn Female Shower Head Guy

Few things unite a normally-divided Internet like a creepy weirdo doing creepy weirdo shit. In this case, we have a Japanese man who, clearly sick of bad dates with living, breathing women, decided to create his own blushing beauty out of plastic and tape. And just to make everybody’s skin crawl just a little but more, he used his own shower head as the skeleton. Unbelievably, he didn’t set it up so she peed on him, but rather vomited hot, relaxing water all over his eager body.

Naturally, the accompanying photoset went viral, and every blog on the planet unleashed some variation of EWWWWWWWWWWW, without even considering that this might be legitimate love they’re eww-ing.

See? She even cooks for him

I feel like I can offer this young man some advice on making his relationship work. Even though I’ve never before dated a shower head wearing nothing but a nightie and the face of Satan, I’m going to assume they’re not too different from the human girls I regularly get rejected by. So Mr. Imgur Sensation, you want to make your relationship work? Here’s how to do it:

Don’t Just Focus on Sexy Showering

I get this may be difficult since your girlfriend is literally attached to the shower, but there has to be more to the relationship than getting wet together all the time. Those few minutes might be great for awhile, but if that’s all you guys do, it’s going to get old fast, as will the entire affair. So you two need to do other things together. Go out for a romantic stroll. Go bowling or shoot pool. Catch the hot new movie. Take in a fancy dinner. Spend the day at the beach. Admittedly, this could completely screw up your plumbing, but that’s a small price to pay for true love.

Good, because the price on Mario’s bill is big enough on its own.

Watch the Roving Eye

You made a woman out of a shower head, and since she looks like the Wicked Witch of the West mid-melt, it’s clear you don’t have a whole lot of standards. So in your travels, you’re probably going to encounter a lot of seductively inanimate objects, and start to get visions of how you could slap a sundress on them and sex ‘em up real good. A 1997 Ford Hyundai looks like a dirty MILF, a lamp post is now an exotic, stick-thin stripper, and your heart is racing like Jeff Gordon. You see them all and you want them all.

DON’T. Just because your girlfriend isn’t actually alive doesn’t mean she doesn’t have feelings. If you’re serious about your shower lady, then make her your only lady. Leave the hot cars alone — there are plenty of confused canines and wannabe alpha men that’ll fetishize the automobile for you.

Introduce Her to the Family

This is the ultimate sign you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level — or they simply came home earlier than you expected and didn’t give you time to fix their bed so it looked untouched. Either way, you might as well introduce everybody so it doesn’t get awkward come Wedding day. Don’t feel weird if your Dad tries to install her and clean himself off with her love spray. He’s from a different generation, one that foolishly thought a heartbeat was required to fall for someone, and like the great prophet Will Smith once said, parents just don’t understand.

Then again, neither do kids.

In the off chance this is nothing more than a lame publicity stunt, designed to shock and troll a group of click-hungry websurfers who take everything slightly lulzy at face value, I still stand by everything I said. There are a lot of people in the world, and many are insanely lonely. Somebody will eventually, and in all sincerity, dress up a household appliance in drag and make it his woman. When that day comes, I’ll be right here to ensure the happy couple stays happy forever. Or until her warranty expires, whichever comes first.

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