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Practical Uses For Weird eBay Items

Everyone knows eBay as that place on the internet where they can buy 78 pairs of used panty hose for 25 cents plus $15 shipping, and a jar of human souls for about $200 with free shipping. That is to say, it’s a place where you can buy crap you don’t need. But just because we don’t need something doesn’t mean we can’t find a use for it, right?

You’re damn right we’re right, and don’t you dare undermine us again.

Sorry, we get a little jumpy when we talk about finding practical uses for garbage, and for good reason — It gets us off. To us in the Holy Taco offices there’s nothing better than resurrecting a broken coffee mug in to a series jagged little pieces of shrapnel that we can use to fire at passing cars and birds that give us the stink eye. We also have an 8-foot-tall statue of Zeus made out of Taco Bell wrappers and defective snow globes, with a beard made of only the finest hairs forcibly removed from the bodies of inters both past and present and long dead.
But, we’re supposed to be talking about eBay here, and the alternative uses for the weird crap you can buy on there. So let’s do that…NNNNNNNNNNNNNN-OW!

Image Of Jesus on Receipt

Jesus has one of those faces that appears in so many lame places that you just have to wonder if anyone in the Bible ever actually talked to him face-to-face, or if all of the stories were re-written to exclude the fact that his followers were taking instruction from a loaf of unleavened bread, or perhaps from a talking fish. We’re not going to get in the a religious debate here, but if Jesus really were communicating with us via face-on-random-shit, wouldn’t he choose something bigger, like a national monument, and not some dude’s receipt from that one time he ate a gyro that made him feel bloated?

We apologize for the quality of the image above. Here’s a better version that we’ve enhanced via the modern wonders of MS Paint.

We don’t know why everyone always assumes that a mysterious, long-haired, and bearded face on an object must be that of Jesus. To us it looks more like the guy that has to sit in the center of that one carnival ride that’s shaped like an alien spaceship and spins really fast so you get stuck to the sides. This is also the same guy that you quickly usher your child away from after he offers to “take your kids for a…spin…oh, yeah…a spiiiiiiiiin” as he swirls his hips around.
Practical Use:

A Jesus receipt can get you pretty far in life. Of course, buying the face of a religious figure on anything means you are pretty much guaranteeing that, with some clever writing, you can resell that bitch for nearly triple what you paid for it. But beyond that, you can probably open your own church, and maybe even start your own faith based entirely around a tiny piece of documentation that says, yes, you did in fact purchase 4 gallons of lube and a 3-foot-tall traffic cone from the that shitty hardware store that only assholes and rednecks go to. And at 6 A.M.

The symbols of your religion can be The Mighty Cone, whose bright orange glow shines on us all at all times; The Gallons of Lube, which keeps our various nooks and crannies thoroughly moistened and tear resistant, even under the most tear-inducing circumstances; and The Holy Proof of Purchase, which tells us to lube ourselves at precisely 6 A.M. every day while we sit on and spiral down a traffic cone as we praise our God, Bill (the name of the cashier). 

Dead Fairy

If you clap your hands, you can bring a fairy back to life. If that’s true, then this fairy must have given the world’s worst open mic set at a comedy club. But look at us! Implying fairies are real for the purposes for a joke!  How silly of us! The only thing sillier would be if someone actually paid for what they thought was the skeleton of a once-real, now-dead fairy! And someone did. We have no way of knowing, but we’re almost certain whoever bought this probably died soon after being told that having wild dogs chew on their spilled entrails is exactly like getting high with Elvis and Tupac inside of Buddha’s third eye.

Practical Use:

Living or dead, imaginary or real, fairies are big business. With a little bit of effort, you can probably spin this fairy corpse in to a multi-year gig in which you con some poor fantasy novel fan in to doing whatever you want. The kind of people that fill their shelves with volumes of books with cover art that features two dragons fighting two more dragons that are mounted by elves as a dragon/elf orgy goes on in the background, are the kind people that really want all of that dragon/elf/fairy stuff to be real. If you catch them at a vulnerable moment in their lives, and if you dress yourself up to look like a human prince from the land of MagdaDoom that needs to revive his fairy so she can transport you back to your land, then the fantasy nerd will ejaculate in his cosplay outfit.

All you have to do is continue to ask for more and more stuff that only this particular geek can give you so you may one day revive your fairy. “A 50-inch 3D HDTV! And make haste, for the body of my precious Tinkles further withers in to dust as the hours pass! And also a burrito. Tinkles wants, like, a burrito, or something. AND BE WISE THAT IT DOESN’T CONTAIN THOSE DASTARDLY BLACKBEANS! They give Tinkles the farts.”

Disfigured Mannequin…Thing

Of course! Who wouldn’t want to own a nightmare whose eyes might mysteriously begin to glow blood red at night as it attempts to use you for spare parts, slowly stitching itself back together, using you’re sharpened femur as a murder spike to kill all others along it’s murderous journey to bodily completion?

And, yes, this was made available for purchase on eBay. Why is anybody’s guess, but a better question is, eBay has a “Things that will kill your family and leave you in an insane asylum” section?

Practical Use:

Christ, for this thing? The most practical thing you can do is attempt to break the gypsy curse by killing the shaman, and restoring his daughter’s virginity by placing upon her The Incantation of the Pure Hearted, which would unbreak her hymen that you broke when you f*cked her after you killed the shaman that put the damn gypsy curse on that doll that wants to kill you.

If you do kill it, don’t feel bad when it screams the screams of 1,000 forever tormented souls, for it is merely a trick – a tool of deception! – belted forth to dissuade you from removing the demon’s head from upon its shoulders!

6 Responses to "Practical Uses For Weird eBay Items"

  1. fluent says:

    second :)

  2. Robert Paulsen says:

    shut up fags.
    And Taco, this is all you guys could find?

  3. Luis Prada says:
    Nah, we had a ton more, but the write up was getting a little long. So we elected to keep it short.
  4. John says:

    like yo dick

  5. TaCop says:

    @ luis prada, that’s the stuff ppl write when this (list) was all you had, do some research

  6. Sideshow Arnold says:

    I guess three makes it a list, although I guess it can be a list even with one or two.

    List of things to do:

    1. Go home early, cut the article short.