We all knew this day would come. When we first heard of the U.S. Military using unmanned drones to carryout reconnaissance and bombing missions all of our thoughts immediately turned to Skynet, because machines scare the hell out of us and we are all very much aware that when the human race falls, it shall be the world of the toasters – they will rule with stainless steel fists!
Now that we’ve fully established that we will all die by a machine’s hand, here’s some rather horrifying news whose impact will be lessened because of the machines-killing-us-all-one-day stuff: Predator and Reaper drones being flown over all of America’s current war zones have been infected with a virus.
If you hadn’t soiled yourself today, now would be an appropriate time.
The virus in question logs every keystroke a pilot makes when remotely flying a drone from thousands of miles away. Basically it’s the same thing suspicious parents install on their children’s computers to make sure they aren’t trying to convince underage girls across state lines to finger blast themselves over Stickam. Our guess is a high ranking military official has a sneaking suspicion that some of the pilots may be using their drones in sexy webcam shows, or maybe just trying to make sure his pilots aren’t multitasking, using the Googles and the Facebooks and the Twitters while they explode sandy brown people. Tweeting about the set of Omars and Abdullas you just killed is all fun and games, until you’re trying to think of a catchy, witty hash tag to slap at the end of that bitch and you blow the hell out of some U.N. troops. And why did that happen? Because like the rest of us, drone pilots probably get very, very bored sitting at their desks all day staring at monitors.
The good news is there have been no confirmed instances of keystroke data being sent off to an outside source. The bad news is the virus has been erased from the drone programming a number of times and it keeps coming back. And the really bad news comes in the form of this quote from a source close to the situation: “We think it’s benign. But we just don’t know.”
That is the line the machines will be quoting for centuries as they pass down the tales of their not-so glorious victory over humanity.
“They were all, like, [in a stereotypical white guy voice] ‘uh, we think it’s benign.’ And then we were all, like, [in an ultra-macho voice] BAM! KAPLOW!”