Citizens of Egypt,
It is with a heavy heart that I say that I will be resigning as president of this fine country. I have spent many, many years of my life crafting this country in to the powerhouse of free, democratic thought that it is today, but I understand you’re angry. Some critics claim I have turned Egypt in to, and I quote, “far too awesome of a place to live,” and that “we should have a few years where we are perhaps not as awesome.” I fully understand these complaints. While I do not fully agree with them, I will concede that this country should not be run under only my totally awesome rule. Egyptians want a new leader that will stop our forward progress a little bit to ensure the rest of the world can catch up to us on the blazing path of glory we have created, and by god we’re going to do just that.
So, on January 1st, 2022, I will step down from office and hand the reigns over to someone that will never be able to shower you all in freedom and prosperity, as I have.
I have seen your protests; I have seen the riots in the streets. I understand why you have done these things. None of you want me to leave my post, but you understand that it’s someone else’s turn. You riot because you are filled with inner turmoil over this. Every rock you throw at a police officer is thrown out of frustration. You want to have your cake, and eat it too. But while you struggle with your own wants and desires — wants and desires that conflict with one another – I have made the tough choice for you. I will vacate my post and be totally awesome somewhere else for a change.
I will always have very fond memories of my time as president of Egypt. Like, remember that time Transformers 2 was filmed here? Man, that was great. Or how about that time I gave all of you guys all that freedom? That was super-cool of me, if you ask me. I mean, it’s like, one day you had no freedom, then I became president, and I totally gave it to you. Over and over again. For like 30 years or something. That’s a lot of freedom. Too much, in fact. Other countries were all like “No, Mubarak! You can give Egyptians that much freedom! It’ll make us all look bad!” And I was all like, “Cram it, America! It’s time to show people what freedom is really like!” And then I played a badass guitar solo and made out with some chicks. Remember that? Remember when that was a thing that I did? Yeah, me too.
But, that’s not going to happen anymore. Not with you guys wanting someone new, due to the fact that you’ve forgotten what it means to actually have to struggle a little bit for something.
Again, I don’t want to step down, but I will.
It sucks, though. I mean, I was just about to do a bunch more totally awesome stuff for you guys. Like what, you ask? Two words: blowjob robots. For all of you. Men, women, children – all of you would have had a Mubarak Wonder Suck 9000 in your homes that would have sucked you dry. But, not anymore, I guess.
I was also just about to push the button on time travel, but I guess we’ll just leave that up to the next guy to handle, assuming he, too, has the long and extremely complex mathematical algorithms in his head…like me. I mean, I guess I can write it down for the new guy, but he probably wouldn’t get it.
Whatever. You guys will manage, right? Yeah, you will. You’ll be fine without me. You won’t get candy delivered to your mail boxes every day, like you do now, but you’ll live.
January 1st, 2022 may seem like a ways away for some of you, but it’ll probably fly by like all the previous days of my presidency – all 10,950 of them. On that day there will probably be a lot of tears streaming down your patriotic faces, but do not fret. I will, in a way, always be with you, probably because even after that day I will continue to be your president after I have the new guy assassinated publicly.
Soon-to-be-but-then-again-maybe-not former President Mubarak
P.S. – I’m watching you.