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Prince Returns to Warner Brothers, Already Hates Them Again

At this point, the only really shocking thing Prince could do is quietly retire, wear sensible clothing, and play golf all day. Since that isn’t likely to happen, I guess I’ll have to settle for being sadly surprised that, behind the purple glitter and Super Bowl penis guitars, beats the heart of a whiny child spoiled by pure capitalism.

As long time fans of wacky rockstar quirks might remember, Prince changed his name to a symbol back in the early ’90s. He didn’t do so as some grand artistic venture — he did it to fuck over his record label. Warner Brothers wanted to keep Prince’s master recordings from the ’80s, and so the artist changed his name, wrote SLAVE on his cheek, and churned out forgettable record after forgettable record simply to get out of his contract.

Forcefully underlined by the wispiest bit of facial hair possible because he was just that super cereal.

Fair enough — record labels are an established pure evil, so they get no sympathy just because the Raspberry Beret guy gave their CEO a frowny face. But now, decades later, he’s back with WB, kissing and making up after the company agreed to finally give him those master recordings.

So that’s the capitalist side, settling a long-time public feud after one side agreed to give the other side something that would make them money, but what of the “whiny child” side? Simple — he’s been with WB less than two week, and he’s already bitching about them again! According to ol’ Squiggly, every time he wants to talk to his bosses, they’re either golfing or “at the beach,” rarely working at all, yet expecting the humble artist to bust ass and make money for them. It’s only a matter of time before Slave Cheek and Three Blah Albums A Year make their comebacks, most likely.

Not only is Prince prolific with his music, he’s prolific with his pouting. I would say he doesn’t know what he wants, but it’s pretty clear that he does: he wants money, attention, and to make give higher-ups as many headaches as possible. He’s like a spiteful, spoiled kid who screamed at Mommy for months because he wanted a skateboard, and then complains after he gets it that he wanted a better one.

And considering Prince could easily drown himself in his dollar bills if he chose to, while I can’t upgrade to a large fry at McDonald’s without sending my bank account into overdraft, forgive me if I don’t stand up and applaud Mr. Nelson for fighting the system like he do. He IS the system. If I couldn’t pick sides when Rita Repulsa and Lord Zedd squabbled, why would I do so now?

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