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Product Review: Four Loko Energy Drink/Alcoholic Beverage

four loko cans

There’s this drink called Four Loko that has been making some waves recently, mostly due to its high caffeine and alcohol content, and the Bro-attracting pheromones it emits that hypnotizes people with backwards hats that can only say the word chug to drink multiple cans of it. The downside of this (or upside, depending on how much you hate “Bro” culture) is that the caffeine in Four Loko shuts off the body’s natural shut-off moment that occurs when drinking lots of alcohol. You know that moment — it’s when you’ve had one too many and you start to get tired and lose all willingness to take another drink. Four Loko stops that stopping mechanism from stopping you from drinking, which, after a few more Four Lokos, stops your consciousness, and possibly your life. Case in point: nine college students in Washington State were hospitalized for alcohol poisoning, some having a blood alcohol level of 0.35, when 0.30 percent is considered potentially lethal.

Depending on the state you’re buying it in, the alcohol content of a Four Loko can range from 6% ABV to 12.5% ABV. So if the average alcohol content of an average bottle of beer is 4 to 5%, then that means one Four Loko is around 6 beers in one can (if you’re drinking a 12.5% can). Add in the caffeine that apparently strips you of your humanity, leaving you unable to feel things, and one can easily consume enough alcohol to require a stomach pump and enough caffeine to turn your heart in to a blood-spraying fire hose. And on top of all that, each can is as tall as one of those large 99-cent cans of Arizona iced tea. In other words, this shit will get you f*cked up, and fast, and there’s a lot of it. 

Being the idiots that we are, we decided to head on over to our local seedy gas station to pick up a couple of cans to see what all the fuss was about.  We now hate ourselves and no longer trust ourselves to make wise purchasing decisions.

Can Aesthetics

Four loko can

Every can of Four Loko looks like it wants to star in a gay porn parody of a Rambo film. They’re all dawned in this Technicolor camouflage that no life-loving solider would ever wear in a battlefield, unless they were battling some tall, blue primitives on Pandora.

Pandora

The can itself is rather large and phallic. If one were to gather a number of Bros together in a room, gave them a case of Four Loko’s, and told them to go to town, it would only be about 10 minutes before one of them started deep-throating a can for laughs. The laughs would then be followed by claims of homosexuality, which will cause a fight and a death or two. Contrast this with Arizona iced tea cans, which will not bring about cries of homosexuality because simply holding a large, dick-like can of pomegranate lemongrass fusion with a picture of a geisha on the front is a big gay subliminal tip off to everyone within a square mile.


Taste

gag

It’s like Robitussin mixed with cheap vodka that’s been filtered through a cheese cloth made of woven hatred. Christ, it’s awful. Every time someone took a swig of the stuff, whether it was a the tiniest of sips or the mightiest of gulps, the sound of the slurping liquid was immediately followed by an eye-squeezing cringe that would also include some tongue waggling and some kind of unspellable word – one that was unique to each drinker –  that represented total disgust. In fact, you didn’t even have to be looking at someone to know they took a drink. You could have your back turned to them and the sound of disgust the person would make made you instantly aware they regret ever buying this can of suck.

Every 10 minutes or so one of my drinking buddies would turn to everyone and ask how everyone was feeling. When one of them answered, “full of energy,” I was shocked, because drinking this shit made me depressed, and not in the way that alcohol makes you depressed because it’s a depressant. No; I just felt so universally stupid for having bought something so atrocious just to get a little drunk. It felt so sad and desperate. Only hobos and transient pedophiles drink malt liquor, not adults with jobs and responsibilities.  And, on top of that, it’s flavored, or, at least, they attempted to add flavor. I really don’t want to know what Four Loko tastes like when they don’t add in those wild approximations of fruity flavors — probably battery acid and despair. My can was fruit punch flavored, but after having sampled some of the watermelon flavor I can safely surmise that the words on the can mean nothing: every flavor tastes like fermented assholes and poison, just one can of fermented assholes and poison houses a red liquid and another houses a green liquid.

Needless to say, it’s pretty tough to drink more than a quarter of the can without wanting to throw it away, but if there is one saving grace for Four Loko it’s…


The Effects

drunk guy

…a quarter of a can will get you drunk, or at least very tipsy. Within sips, everyone I was drinking with was well on the way to vomiting red in to a toilet. If the stated purpose of Four Loko is to get you super-drunk super- fast, then this product is smashing success…you just have to muscle through sip after sip of questioning whether or not you want to continue to subject yourself to a the kind of torture that I’m pretty sure the Geneva conventions outlawed years ago.

So it gets you drunk, but it’s also got a hell of a lot of caffeine and guarana and taurine and all of those energy drink buzz words that only stressed-out hardcore PC gamers can spell the names of without having to type them in to Google because Microsoft Word doesn’t recognize them. There is so much of this stuff that my heart actually began to palpitate, which is not a good thing, as one of my drinking buddies that also happens to be a paramedic informed me. My heart rate was well above normal only after having drank half the can – the hearts of those kids in Washington State had to have been beating so fast they could have powered a Tesla coil. I’m convinced that if this Four Loko stuff doesn’t get banned by the government for being stupidity in a can, the power of a human heart being fueled by Four Loko could be the wondrous alternative energy source humanity has been waiting for.

The Verdict

judge

If you want to get drunk there are better alternatives, for instance, you can always make some toilet wine. I’m sure that would be a better drinking experience, and you’ll also feel productive instead of thinking about hiring a level-headed non-idiot to walk around with you that will prevent you from buying products that make you hate them, which seems counter to the purpose of every product that has been and will be.
 

45 Responses to "Product Review: Four Loko Energy Drink/Alcoholic Beverage"

  1. Wisconsin says:

    I’ve had a 10% alcohol Four, and that was terrible. I can’t even imagine who would buy the 12%. High schoolers maybe?

  2. BronamedChet says:

    Bro-Hater…Four Locos are actually pretty tasty, quick, cheap and the best choice for broke college students to have a good time…college would suck without lokos

  3. steve says:

    what’s with the outward homophobia in this article/review? I understand that you’re trying to deter people from drinking it, but jeez.

  4. mike jones! says:

    funny article except for the line about the can looking phallic. It’s a can. all can’s can look phallic. A little bit reaching for things to make fun of.

  5. Dung Deets says:

    Pretty nasty stuff if you ask me dude.

    http://www.web-privacy.edu.tc

  6. Ian Fortey says:
    It was a paragraph observing that the can is longer and therefore more phallic than the average can and the douchebaggy Bro guys who would drink this would probably go hog wild with the gay jokes with it.  I’m not sure that qualifies as homophobia.  Every gay joke does not a homophobic comment make.
  7. Ian Fortey says:
    You work for the company that makes these don’t you?  But not in a position of authority, there’s not enough desperate convcition in your words.  No, you work in a position that means little to you, but someone asked you to check out what we wrote so you half assed a response.  Admin assistant maybe?  Someone in distribution?
  8. Jame Gumb says:
    Your mom’s can looks phallic. YEAH!
  9. grogman says:

    Why not just drink what my Grandpa always called “Irish coffee”? Strong black coffee with a big jolt of whiskey in it. Tastes a hell of a lot better than that ‘ass in a can’.

  10. MaMaMaMonsterJAMMMMMM says:

    hahaha BUSTED

  11. Still here says:

    Four Lokois for idiots hehe

    Go vote and if you live in Cali vote YES ON PROP 19!

  12. Smartest Man Alive says:

    You’re not supposed to drink it straight. It’s supposed to be mixed half and half with either a Steel Reserve or a Colt 45

  13. Under says:

    Thanks for stealing my photo for the header of your article! I actually tried more than one flavor, unlike you.

    http://underdesign.wordpress.com/2010/08/23/four-loko-alcopop-taste-test-part-2-lemonade-watermelon-cranberry-lemonade/

  14. Ian Fortey says:
    Seriously? The image pops up a couple of times on a Google search, so we used it since it seemed to be a generic image on a blog.  If you’re married to the thing we can swap it out for you.
     
     
  15. Rob says:

    So it tastes like ass, except the watermelon flavor, but its $2.50 a can where I live, and has as much alcohol as a six pack of light beer! A cheaper drunk is hard to find, unless you like doing shots of everclear.

  16. BronamedChet says:

    Whoa there Ian. Actually I am a pharmacy student in college with absolutely nothing to do with the Four Loko company or any kind of business at all for that matter. I can respect everything you point out about Four Lokos, I’m just saying at this university there is a multitude of students that drink multiple Lokos every week like champs, myself included. They may be the bottom of the barrel when it comes to drinking, but like I said they’re cheap, easy to get the night going, and most people I see with them think they taste pretty damn good. I am in a fraternity, but believe me a lot more people than bros enjoy these delicious beverages…

  17. BromoRy says:

    Four lokos are not meant for everyone, if you can’t handle it don’t drink it … it’s that simple. We all know the effects of Everclear but you don’t see people crying about how the effects of Everclear are so bad that it needs to be pulled off the market and I don’t see many people trying to overdo the Everclear mixing because they know that the strength is too much for most people. Same deal with the lokos, the strength is clearly listed on the can and it is too much for you stick to your smirnoffs!

  18. BromoRy says:

    Bahahaha, i bet you can’t even do 2 without puking! Paaaaleaz, my bros and i enjoy doing loko power hours, that is we drink 2 lokos in one hour and get messed up! If you want the real experience of lokos hit me up and stop being a b-5

  19. Vincent Van Bro says:

    Four lokos are the shit. I drank two and got lost as fuck for hours on campus. Frat on!

  20. CK says:

    Four Lokos are great.Everyone I know drinks them and I know people from 15-35. Everyone likes at least one flavor and it gets you drunk. The other beers you suggested taste like shit(like most beers) at least Loko tastes like soda. My only complaint is if you drink 2 your teeth hurt from the 5000 grams of sugar in each one. The only people who dont like them are hipster nerds like Daniel Bryan.

  21. peter rabbit says:

    Actually the taste is not nearly as bad as you portray it, perhaps the writer has a weak stomach.

  22. propane says:

    I once drank 4 and a Colt 45
    I dont remember 2 hrs of my life, and puked for the first time. Not only that, but I was hungover all day the following day

  23. LALA says:

    $2.29 a can here! And I’ve had a lot worse tasting crap. What’s up with using college students as the example?! Hmmm the college students I know ALL have had alcohol poisoning at some point, for most it’s a part of college, for some it’s high school. But come on seriously just because there are a few idiots out there we all have to pay.
    People need to suck it up and take the blame for their stupidity!! It’s not always someone/something else’s fault!

  24. Mike O says:

    Alcohol isn’t illegal. Neither is caffeine dude. Should we try banning alcohol again? How about caffeine products? I’m pretty sure regular Pepsi/Coke/Enery drinkers aren’t very well off. Let’s ban cigarettes too, and McDonalds! How about we get rid of all fast food restaurants. This is just another product put on the market that people need to enjoy responsibly/at their own risk. People going to the hospital are mainly underage drinkers and fucking stupid because they don’t realize (can’t read warnings) how strong these drinks are. Not Four Loko maker’s problem. People need to quit pointing fingers and realize that it comes down to personal responsibility. No one is forcing those drinks down their throats. In summary: booyah

  25. brojangles says:

    this article was obviously written by a GDI. shit even GDI’s love four loko…..this article was obv written by someone who’s never partied before or just hates partying in general…also a fuckin clear bro-hater…don’t be mad at us because we dress nice, get the girls, and party harder in one night than you do in a semester….ill keep enjoying my four lokos and getting girls…enjoy your toilet wine GDI

  26. Not a Bitch says:

    wow, these writers are pussies. Man up.

  27. HipsterKyle says:

    Fuck you, they’re delicious.

  28. TrustME says:

    First off I’ll say that I am a college graduate (’04) and a have professional job, so I’m not some young kid who scrounges up some change to buy these things. Are they the greatest tasting things in the world? No, but I honestly think they are better than Mike’s Hard Lemonade (which I think is a good comparison). I like all the flavors that I’ve tried, lemonade probably being the best. In my first experience I attempted to drink it way too fast and it definitely kicked my butt, but I wasn’t an idiot and I stopped. Depending on your tolerance, one should be probably the limit for most people and you should sip it. These things can be dangerous if you aren’t responsible, but a lot things are dangerous if you are not responsible. It doesn’t mean the FDA should ban them, people just need to grow up and know their limitations.

  29. Bitch=Dung Deets says:

    change your tampon

  30. brando says:

    WHAT THE GOV. DOESN’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT FOUR LOKO…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QobXa8kh-A

  31. Ms. Colleen says:

    Shit sounds disgusting.

  32. brandi says:

    It’s so dumb that they’re pulling these off the shelves.. If you can’t handle Four Loko, then don’t drink it. You’re ruining it for the people who can control their alcohol!

  33. Codymonster says:

    Nice one, Holy Taco. Haven’t laughed that hard at your site for quite some time.

    I’ve tried to drink that stuff. As much as I’d like to get behind Haterade (hehehehehe) on this one because of his logic, I gotta admit it is like drinking something filtered through woven hatred. Well put.

  34. SlamToJackson says:

    *Effects

  35. Luis Prada says:
    Oops, you are right. Thanks.
  36. SlamToJackson says:

    :) Sorry. Just being an ass. You’re right though. That stuff tastes like poop.

  37. Haterade says:

    Four Loko is not 2.5 beers. It’s 2.5x stronger than beer. And since each can is like 23 or 24 ounces, one can is like drinking 5 to 6 beers.

    It gets you messed up quick for less than $3. And I think that’s something we can all get behind.

  38. Haterade says:

    Oh and please post the promo video for Four Loko on Youtube. It’s the best rap/alcoholic beverage promotion ever!

  39. carpet chomper says:

    light beer = 12 oz at 4% alcohol

    four loko = 24 oz at 12% alcohol

    1 four loko = 6 light beers (not 2.5)

    Nice math, HT!

  40. PooDiddy says:

    I actually like the yellow one. It tastes just a bit less like shit and more like… blood?

  41. DonkeyXote says:

    How many used tampons have you been sucking on??

  42. DonkeyXote says:

    Those seem to be a wee bit stronger than the alcoholic RTD’s we got here in NZ, which were by the way overtly legal because they are marketed the same way as energy drinks… defenseless lollie-water with a bit of a kick for the kiddies, and by-and-large cheaper than a standard coke.

    Crazy fucking locos!

  43. Loko4Loko says:

    If you can’t handle a Four Loko you probably shouldn’t be drinking in the first place. If you chug it you are going to get drunk really quick — but if you take your time drinking it the effects won’t be as severe. Idiots who don’t know how to party are the reason that awesome drinks like Four Loko get banned. Quit ruining the fun for the rest of us!

  44. WTFrench? says:

    6 light beers make you drunk? You american pussies!

  45. Vanntabulous says:

    Indeed. I saw that and chuckled