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Product Review: Ron de Jeremy, The Rum By Porn Legend Ron Jeremy

Ron de Jeremy Rum

As I pulled the large cork off the top of Ron Jeremy’s Ron de Jeremy, I could feel the suction playfully teasing me, testing me to see if I had what it takes to down the large load the bottle had to offer. It was a cork tease, and every time that cork popped up and slowly slid back down the mouth I was  overcome with tumescent anticipation.

The cork slid out with a moist Pop!, releasing its sweet, musky scent in to my nose, filling my mind with a menagerie of impure thoughts. This was its way of telling me it was ready to go. The thick mouth of the bottle glistened with the caramel-colored liquid. It was an alluring shimmer of liquid gold that was begging to be inside me.

I grabbed a glass and poured myself a measure seeking but a small taste — a sampling, if you will – just to see how Ron de Jeremy felt on its way down my throat. I held the glass to my lips and let the caramel sweetness wash over my tongue. I felt the slight sting of the liquor, and my eyes clenched as I thought this baby may be too robust for me. Boy was I wrong. Sure, I recoiled a bit when I felt the sting of the liquid pierce my eyes after an errant splatter hopped up in to my face when I kicked it back too forcefully, but that was merely the first lesson I learned while drinking Ron de Jeremy: it’s meant to be drank slowly; drink too passionately and you’re liable to catch a squirt in the face. It wasn’t until that moment that I finally fully understood the words “Enjoy Responsibly.”

Soon, Ron de Jeremy got the better of me. What began as a simple sip and a swirl in the glass turned in to a vicious pounding — on my liver. One glass turned in to two, then three, then…ah, who knows how many? All I know is the taste of Ron de Jeremy was a taste I didn’t know I had yearned for all my life. The small, quarter glass fulls weren’t enough for me. I fantasized about being surrounded by bottles of Ron de Jeremy, all of which were pouring their intoxicating fluids in to my oh so thirsty open mouth.

Ron Rum

I was caught up in a whirlwind of alcohol-driven passion as I downed sip after sip. At one point, I even got a little rambunctious and, in a rare case of over-excitement, spilled some of it. Luckily, one of my dirty socks was there to catch the overflow. I guess I won’t be using that sock again.

I drank and I drank, allowing Ron de Jeremy to consume me; envelop me, to take me over and never let me go.

And just like that, it was over.

I woke up the next morning to find not a trace of Ron de Jeremy’s liquid to be found. I was left with nothing but a headache; a hangover – the only lasting memory of my wild night with porn star Ron Jeremy’s brand of dark rum. As I tousled in bed I kicked something heavy. The hallow ting of my toe nails against glass tipped me off to what I was playing footsie with: the empty bottle. I picked up the bottle and gave it a good, long stare. Ron Jeremy’s wistful face looked back at me. Well, not at me, necessarily. It’s more like it was looking just over my right shoulder, like a remorseful porn star that at that moment remembered he hadn’t written a letter to his momma back home in months. “How’s momma doing? I hope she’s okay” is what I imagined was running through Ron’s brain at that time. This thought was immediately followed by, “Well, no time for that nonsense! Time to jizz on a lady! Splat!

Ron de Jeremy Label

Such was my time with Ron Jeremy’s Ron de Jeremy rum: passionate, full of longing and love; but, when it came down to brass tacks, it was all about the business, baby; and it wanted to give me its business…all 750 ml of it.

I don’t claim to remember every tawdry little detail about my wild night with Ron de Jeremy, but I do remember one thing: I took it all…and it went down smooth.

6 Responses to "Product Review: Ron de Jeremy, The Rum By Porn Legend Ron Jeremy"

  1. Ween says:

    Jesus.

  2. smorsh says:

    that’s just wrong…