As humans, we at Holy Taco will, on occasion, vomit. It’s usually because we’ve confused the Jack Daniels with Drain-O, ate a hot dog with a green-ish hue, or shoved our fingers down our throats because we’re too fat. Rarely do we ever vomit when we see a picture. We were raised on crap like Rotten.com. We can tell you what the inside of any person’s face looks like, particularly after a botched, self-inflicted gunshot wound. We’re tough.
So imagine our surprise when we found our keyboards coated in a brown chunky fluid and our tongues tasting of stomach acid. At first we were confused. Then scared. Then weirded out by the fact that everyone in the HT office vomited at the same time, fully synchronized, like monthly lady blood. When we finally shook off the shock we realized what we had been vomiting about: Reborn baby dolls.
Reborn baby dolls are dolls that look like babies – hyper-realistic babies. We were so intrigued by these…things that we looked them up on Wikipedia to arm ourselves with knowledge. The more you know about your enemy, the less terrifying they become.
That age old maxim is a bunch of bullsh*t, by the way. Totally not true. Reborn dolls only get more terrifying when you find out more about them, which is why we are now going to fill your brains with all the stuff we learned about them.
As we read each fact, we found that we kept speaking our opinion out loud. After a while we decided to write down we were saying and just shot it to you. So in black is the quote from wiki, and in red is what we tacked on to it.
The process of creating a reborn doll is referred to as reborning and the doll artists are referred to as reborners, because when you are creating dolls that only the mentally deranged will buy, it’s good to have a God complex and call yourself something that sounds like it comes out of a sci-fi novel about murderous clones.
Depending on craftsmanship, they range in price from $50 – $4,000, which is strange, because I can knock you girls up for free. Ohhhh yeeeeeeeeaah.
The International Reborn Doll Artists (IRDA) group was created to educate artists in the art form of reborn doll making. A sample of what goes on during a Reborn teaching lesion is as follows: “Do you guys know what a nightmare is? Good, now here’s some clay, a picture of a nutsack, and a very large potato. Make me a nightmare.”
Some consumers of reborn dolls use them to replace a child they once lost, or a child that has grown up, or to trick drivers behind them in to thinking they’ve slammed a baby’s arm in the trunk and left the small child dangling about while traveling 75 MPH on the highway.
“Preemies” are smaller dolls molded after premature infants. Jesus Christ.
Preemie dolls may come in incubators with a breathing apparatus attached to their nose. Mother of God…
Electronic devices that mimic a heartbeat, or make the chest rise and fall to simulate breathing are common. Yeah, in humans – dying ones.
In July 2008, police in Queensland, Australia smashed a car window to rescue what seemed like an unconscious baby only to find it was a reborn doll. They tried to throw it away to rid themselves of the horror…but it kept showing up in their house…it was just staring…staring…and surrounded…by blood.
Some women dress the dolls, wash their hair, take them for walks in strollers and take them shopping. These people are called psychopaths. Whatever you do, don’t let them take your baby when they ask you to trade their baby for yours. It’s a lie. Their baby ain’t real!! THEIR BABY AIN’T REAL!!!
The best reborn babies come equipped with spines, squishy tummies and other soft, human like body parts…that the owners have probably thought about hacking to pieces with an axe.
The process of getting a newborn baby is often referred to as “adoption,” or “having lost one’s shit.”
Some reborn dolls are made to resemble monkeys and apes…which is just about the most racist thing in the history of everything.