For years, California evangelist Harold Camping has been predicting the end of days. His first prediction was for 1994 and obviously proved incorrect. He chalked it up to a miscalculation, which he then corrected to May 21, 2011. Now that the Rapture has come and gone, what does Camping have to say for himself, and to the followers who have donated millions to his cause?
Holy Taco: Mr. Camping, thank you for speaking with us.
Harold Camping: Thank you.
HT: Mr. Camping, you predicted the world would end –
HC: No, I did not predict the end of the world. I used a calculation from information provided in the Bible, the Word of God, to determine when our Lord Jesus Christ would take the faithful to Heaven and those who did not believe would endure 6 months of tribulation hereon Earth before it is consumed by fire from heaven on October 21, 2011.
HT: Fair enough. But your prediction didn’t come true.
HC: Didn’t it? Was there not an Earthquake in the Southern Hemisphere? Did a volcano not erupt?
HT: Yes, but I could say that tomorrow a man in New York will die of old age and it will happen, but will it be a prophecy come true?
HC: Your prophecy is not the Word of God.
HT: Isn’t it?
HC: I’m afraid I don’t understand.
HT: As it happens, we know Jesus and he told us a few things over the weekend.
HC: (laughs) I want everyone to know Jesus but his words are for everyone as they are written in the Bible.
HT: No, we mean literally, we know Jesus. He hangs around the park just down from our office, actually. Carries a duffel bag, has a long beard, always asking for sandwiches.
HC: Many false messiahs can be found in our time.
HT: I dunno, this guy seems like the real deal. I once saw him bring a pigeon back from the dead.
HC: I’m sorry, I –
HT: It was weird, because he had it in his duffel bag in another bag, like a sandwich bag, you know? Then he was all “want to see some crazy shit?”
HC: I think I have had enough –
HT: No, hold on, it’s cool – he swore, he said shit, I was pretty surprised, but then to think that God can’t swear is a logical fallacy, right? God must be able to do anything or else he wouldn’t be God, so it’s OK if he says shit, right? I mean, God has ot be able to swear, right? He has no limitations, right?
HC: Of course the Lord can do all –
HT: Right, so he’s like “want to see some crazy shit?” and obviously I said yes because I love crazy shit, and he pops out this pigeon and kind of makes it talk like a puppet for a while, said some nutty stuff like “Bring back the gold standard to improve the American economy” and “My inability to properly digest corn doesn’t take away form my enjoyment of it.” But then, after about 5 minutes, bam, the pigeon shakes its head and flies away.
HT: I know! It was insane. Anyway, point is, Jesus never told us about this Rapture you were on about.
HC: Yes, well thank you for your time, I think I will be going. Obviously this isn’t serious -
HT: Mr. camping, can I call you Harold? Harold, this is serious as chili shits on a road trip man.
HC: I will not –
HT: Don’t get caught up in the language, Mr. Camping, please. I appreciate that swearing isn’t for everyone, some find it uncouth, juvenile, unnecessary and all that, but if you’ve never experienced a chili emergency on a long road trip then perhaps you can’t appreciate the linguistic significance of the metaphor.
HC: I was expecting this to be a serious discussion –
HT: I was expecting him to eat that pigeon. He looks the type. Is that insulting, it’s not meant to be. I mean, judging people based on outward appearance is not all that virtuous, and yet your appearance is obviously the first thing any of us have to go on. Plus, for a Messiah, he needs to invest more time in bathing. He can make water into wine but he should probably save a washcloth’s worth of that water to swab down his danker regions.
HC: That’s enough.
HT: Which is a good point, we’ve read that your ministry has taken in literally millions in donations from people who gave up literally everything in anticipation of a rapture that never happened. Will they get their money back?
HC: I’m not at liberty to discuss the finances of the ministry, nor do I think it’s appropriate –
HT: Jesus didn’t think it was appropriate. We told him you got like $80 million and I honestly think it blew his mind, as much as the son of God’s mind can be blow by money, anyway. He said he could get so much Subway for that and he’s right, you can buy a ton of Subway with that. Not even the shitty cheap sandwiches either, you can get the fancy stuff with chicken and bacon. Of course that opened a whole new door about whether or not Jesus can even eat bacon because, strictly speaking, he’s still a Jew, I think.
HC: Please, this is –
HT: We’re just looking for answers, Harold. Why didn’t the Rapture happen? You guaranteed it.
HC: I feel that something did happen –
HT: Well yeah, I think I grilled some sausages around 6 and made some pasta salad that I shared with our intern and Jesus. Now that I think of it the sausages probably had pork in them, guess that answers that.
HT: I know the feeling, Harold. Two sausages and a buttload of pasta salad into the evening and Jesus pulls out another pigeon. Same damn speech! Gold standard and corn and whatnot..
(ED. Note. At this point in the interview Mr. Camping actually left the room without bothering to utter another word. We returned to our office where Jesus was playing Xbox with our intern and continued.)
HT: So Jesus, Harold Camping just walked out on the interview without really explaining anything.
Jesus: I knew he would.