I was reading a news story today about a woman named Hazel Jones. She’s got two vaginas. Two of them. It’s called uterus didelphys.
It’s an incredibly rare phenomenon, as you can guess. One thing I couldn’t help but think about as I read this article was how she must get treated by people when they find out about her…I guess we can call it a “condition.” I really don’t know what to call it. Condition sounds too serious. She has two vaginas, not two AIDS.
From my experience with people, I find most have no conversational tact. Most people, myself definitely included, don’t know how to gingerly tip-toe around a sensitive subject that has personally affected a person we’re talking to. So, we tend to ask a lot of questions that are entirely inappropriate, but they come from a true place, an honest place. We don’t mean any harm, it just kind of came out a bit too harsh and ignorant because, well, I don’t even have one vagina, so the idea of suddenly having two freaks my shit out. Also, over the years I’ve convinced myself that I’m just not a good person, which shine through in kinds of thoughts I had when reading about Hazel’s two vagina thing.
So, here are the things I would ask Hazel if I had the balls to say every single thought that entered my mind with absolutely no filter to catch this forthcoming mass of idiocy and prevent me from looking like the dumbass I truly am.
“Do you have two periods, and do you become twice as much of a bitch once a month? Or do you have two separate periods at different times of the month, thus making you a bitch most of the time?”
“So, do you look like a Picasso from the waist down?”
“What’s behind meat curtains number one and meat curtains number two? Man, I hope it’s either a car or a jet ski!”
“Do you use one as an extra pocket?”
“When you wear tampons, does it look like a child’s birthday party with all the balloon strings hanging down?”
“Has anyone ever called you THE WOMAN WITH TWO VAGINAS! and said it in the same melodramatic voice as a narrator for 1950s B-horror movies?”
“Be honest: how much has Larry Flint offered you?”
“Since you most likely won’t let me see your two vaginas, could you please refer to this chart of cold cuts and tell me which heap of cold cuts looks like your two vaginas?”
“I’ll f*ck you in both. I’m sorry. That’s not even a question. I’m so sorry. I’m just gonna stop talking. Again, I’m really sorry. I’m just – I’m gonna go.”