Hey, there, John Q. Public and Sally H. Regularperson! Have you ever spent hours in front of the mirror trying to put together the perfect assemble for your night on the town, but couldn’t find the right element on the periodic table to cram in to your ocular cavity to offset your lovely new shoes? Have you just raked in a boatload of cash after selling off all of your stocks after the U.S.’s credit rating was dropped, and are looking to make all of those that dare look you in the eye feel like multiple smoldering sacks of worthless fecal matter?
If you answered yes to any or all of those questions, why not slide a sliver of gold and tiny morsels of diamond in to your head with some diamond-encrusted, gold-plated contact lenses, created by India’s Shekhar Eye Research Center!
Shekhar Eye Research Center: where a donor’s money is shrunk down to microscopic levels and injected in to your tear ducts so your eyes can piss cash!
Further separate yourself from the rest of humanity by throwing cold, hard cash in to your eye-holes and making your windows to the soul look like the other-worldly demon eyes that chase you off cliffs in your dreams! Get yourself some contact lenses that make people think you’ve come to whisk their souls away to an eternal pit of madness and scream-pissing! Give yourself a set of lookers that peer in to the very fiber of someone’s being and lets them know that you know about that body they buried in the desert back in ’98! Give yourself the eyes of an omniscient god while still keeping your feet firmly planted within the soils of frivolousness, superficiality, and contemptibility! Make sure that when people look you in the eye, they no longer want to look you in the eye!
The gold and diamonds sit 6mm and 9mm from the cornea, respectfully; floating on a cushy cloud of, presumably, magic and unicorn burps! After a day of wearing these gilded babies your eye boogers will be worth more than the lives of most humans! Now your eye booger collection will definitely be worth a fortune, instead of hoping eye boogers will one day become a hot commodity!
All of this luxury and excess can be yours for a paltry $15,000 U.S.; or enough money to feed multiple slum-living Indian folks for weeks! And don’t fret about spending that kind of dough on a pair of contacts, as the profit goes toward the research of Stevens-Johnson Syndrome, which affects either 2.6 or 6.1 people out of a million people a year! In the world! Your heart will warm with a balmy sense of glee as you wander the earth with dead, alienating eyes knowing full-well that your smart purchase went to possibly, potentially, maybe aiding some poor guy with a horrible skin condition!
Buy now! Because miraculously, you’re not enough of an insufferable, self-absorbed douche bag! Yet!