R.I.P, Qwikster. We Hardly Knew Ye

When Netflix announced they would be splitting up their DVD rental service and streaming service in to two separate companies – Netflix for streaming, and Qwikster for discs – everyone just assumed Netflix was having a nervous breakdown and was making some rash decisions while their brain was blazed with the Technicolor mellifluence of psychotropic narcotics; that they were just having “a moment”; that one could drive by the Netflix head offices and find the front yard littered with scorched furniture, a half-dozen police cars, and the streaming service bleeding and in police custody with the DVDs crying while giving the officers an official statement and bringing up the possibility of a domestic violence charge against streaming.

We all thought this was the corporate version of a celebrity melt down. It had all the trappings of a classic celebrity meltdown, too. Raising prices on all services was the Netflix version of Charlie Sheen getting fired off of Two and a Half Men, or Mel Gibson saying a bunch of horrible Mel Gibson-y things. Next, the Netflix CEO took to Youtube to make some weird half-apologetic, half-F*ck You statement that confused and enraged Netflix users, kind of like any celebrity’s half-assed attempt at apologizing to the public by means of press release. And now, only a few short weeks after it all began, we’ve reached the point where the celebrity has checked out of rehab and is attempting to atone for their grievous but ultimately inconsequential sins by righting all of their wrongs, or at least attempting to.

And the wrong that had to be righted is Qwikster.

Qwikster, you are the aborted baby of the film and television home delivery world. Your parents over at Netflix got a sonogram picture of you and showed it off to their friends. After all of their friends reacted to the picture by politely smiling through the pain that comes along with choking on a little bit of your own vomit, Netflix decided this baby was never going to be born. “Kill it now,” said Netflix. “Or else within two-years it’ll be sucking dicks at the dog track in exchange for hot betting tips.”

And so you did. Netflix will continue to mail discs and will stream a laundry list of shows. The consumers have won, that is, if you define “winning” as “things staying the same.”

Also, your teaser image (pictured above) looked like a vagina with a flashlight in it.