Well, y’all caught me. I was drinking, in front of a church — I guess, technically, I wasn’t drinking, because my bottle was empty. I was just drunk. I apologize for acting irresponsibly in public like I did, but you have to remember, it was Super Bowl Sunday. That’s a big drinking day for everybody and I honestly thought I was in the clear because by my estimation, I was less drunk than every one around me. I may have been drunk according to your law, but not according to mine. According to Randy’s law you’re not really drunk until you’re the most drunk one among you.
There seems to be a lot of concern over my behavior, which is flattering, but unnecessary. Leave the worrying for the next generation of tiny southern men with freakishly low voices, like Scotty McCreery. I just want to enjoy my golden years, going on tour and getting sloppy on the weekends. If the news reported every time a fifty-two year old man got drunk outside of a church, they’d run out of paper and air time. You’re all just riled up because you haven’t heard from me in a while, and when you finally did, the news wasn’t so great.
Where were ya’ll six months ago? A year ago? Nowhere to be found. Were you there to watch week after week when I was playing Wayne on “Touched By An Angel?” Nope. Not even thinkin’ about ol’ Randy. I put a studio album out and y’all treat it like damn chinese food menu stuck in your door handle, but I get a little loose on a Sunday night and all of a sudden the whole world is concerned. Well, I’m fine, thank you. I’m doing just fine.
Let’s also remember, that I AM A COUNTRY MUSIC GOD. The fine gentlemen who’ve come before me partied harder than most rock stars. Let’s apply Randy’s law to myself and every other old country singer: Looks like I come out on top again. Sober by comparison. You think it’s easy singing about really sad things all the time? Because it ain’t.
But whatever, you’ll all be back in my corner again in a year when I’m ruling the charts and squashing McCreery like the little frog-voiced bug that he is. I’m Randy Travis. Randy “Forever and Ever, Amen,” Travis. Please. Respect my right to toss a few back on the lawn of a church.