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Ranking Everyday Tasks in Order of Difficulty When You’re Dead Tired

Do you sleep much?  I don’t.  I want to.  My idea of a good day involves sleeping till noon.   I could sleep for a solid 14 hours if left to my own devices, but alas I have work and life and responsibilities and a social stigma that says you’re a bit shameful if you sleep more than half a day.  And sometimes I just get caught up doing shit and simply cut sleep out of my day, getting maybe 4 hours in a night or, in the case of this past weekend, maybe 4 hours in a weekend.  Of course, when you do this, normal things become exponentially harder to pull off as your body and mind are assuring you that sleeping would be much better than whatever you’re up to.  So, in light of that, he’s a ranking of some arbitrary tasks and how had they are to accomplish when all you want to do is sleep.

Peeing – This takes effort.  It’s easy in theory but you know you could probably hold it a little longer, so the actual act of pissing becomes not unlike putting the effort into trying to think up a recipe for all the random food items you have in the house when you haven’t gone shopping in over a week.  Tomatoes, a can of con, some graham crackers and a pork chop.  Gotta be something that uses all that, right?

Making a Meal – Speaking of using all those food items, actually producing a meal is no small feat when you’re dead tired.  You may be starving, but your very soul is telling you to either order out, or make a peanut butter sandwich because everything else is harder than calculus.  Plus, maybe if you eat a quick snack now then go to sleep, when you wake up the house will be full of delicious steaks and beer.  Anything’s possible.

Finding Quality Entertainment – There’s a mathematical correlation between how tired you are and how willing you’ll be to watch utter shit on television.  I once woke up with TLC on the TV, no word of a lie.  No idea what I may have fallen asleep watching, but when I woke up Say Yes to the Dress was on.  I say no to that.  But when you’re tired, it becomes a chore trying to read what’s on and flick through every one of you hundred of useless channels that you pay for but never make use of.

Conversing – First, a PSA;  I’ve noticed the proliferation of the utterance ‘conversating’ in the last few years.  That ain’t no word, kiddos.   It’s conversing.  That said, I enjoy a nice chat now and then (not on the phone, the phone is a tool and not some kind of techno-appendage.  Hang the thing up sometimes and live your life) but I have noticed, once total exhaustion sets in, your conversation become nightmares of stupidity.  Long pauses, muttering and mumbling, inexplicable half-dream tangents, it all makes your talk time a big, fat mess.  I was once accused of shitting the bed by someone who fell asleep while talking to me and then just kept talking.  To this day she’s convinced I shit in the bed because she dreamed it while we were talking.  I never shit the bed.  I promise.

Sexings – Having sex when you’re tired is shameful at best.  Not a little tired, I mean the kind of tired when you run the risk of actually falling asleep in the middle of the act itself.  It’s a real treat to be the other partner in a sexual snorefest, and your ego can just grow three sizes smaller as you put your best moves to work and the other person just passes the hell out.  Charming, is what it is.  On the other hand, if you’re the one who passes out, prepare for wrath like you have never experienced before when you are awoken because sleeping during sex is basically the non-lethal version of falling asleep while driving.  You don’t want to do it.

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