Nicolas Cage is still one of the highest paid actors in all of Hollywood, despite the fact that I think other people have seen the last 15 or so movies he’s made and must be aware of how utterly ridiculous they are. Just because you make one good movie for every 13 terrible ones does not give you license to keep ruining an entire art form. But I digress.
Cage’s latest epic, Season of the Witch, is pulling in a solid 4% on Rotten Tomatoes, a site that aggregates all available movie reviews to show that 4% of movie critics don’t actually watch movies. Season of the Witch sucks. But the reviews of it are awesome. Let’s start out easy;
7 – Ron Perlman head-butts the Devil. – Jen Yamato
I can’t say for sure if this line has ever been put to paper before, but doesn’t it make you feel good inside? What happens in this movie? Oh, Ron Perlman headbutts Satan? That’s interesting. How does Satan take it?
6 – The only time I was even modestly entertained was when the 10-year-old boy sitting behind me (obviously taken out of school to see the film by his model parents) started belching unrelentingly at the screen – Danny Minton
Nicolas Cage is less compelling than the gas of a child. Is this a critic being sarcastic? Unfair? Is he exaggerating? Have you seen Wicker Man? Bangkok Dangerous? Ghost Rider? Nicolas Cage is actually more awful than waste material produced in the gut of another human being.
5 – Nic is busy fighting the Crusades – the low budget version of the Crusades that appears to be set in Ron Perlman’s backyard. Together, Nic and Ron kill everything that stands between them and their dental veneers. – Mark Ramsey
I like this quote because it’s about teeth and indicates that, amidst the plot, acting, dialog, score and effects, at least one person couldn’t get their focus off the out of place dental hygiene of the characters in the movie. Of all the things you could pay attention to in a movie, dental hygiene ranks somewhere between cutlery style and how often everyone takes a shit.
4 – This is the kind of movie that entrepreneurs had in mind when they started opening theaters that serve alcohol. – Eric D Snider
Now we’re getting into the hopelessness you want to see in a Nic Cage movie review. No need to specify an issue with the movie, just make it known it seems like it’d be best appreciated while shitfaced. In fairness, most of his movies seem like they were designed with drinking games in mind. For instance, in the Wicker Man, do a shot every time Cage does something completely batshit insane. Two shots every time he dresses like a bear.
3 – Cage resembles the world’s saddest front man for a Nickelback cover band – Nick Rogers
Nic Cage’s hair and Nickleback wrapped into the same joke? Now that’s how you write a review. It lets you know without mincing words that Nicholas Cage, in this movie, is a bit like finding a turd in your cereal bowl. No offense, Nickleback.
2 – Nicolas Cage sporting a long blond wig with ringlets that makes him look like a Shirley Temple drag queen impersonator after a post-medieval-party-themed blackout – Dustin Putman
Ooh, trumped Nickleback with a Shirley Temple tranny joke. This guy has a degree in journalism.
1- I think we all knew this was going to be a moose fellation party of some note based on the trailer, the release date and Nicolas Cage’s wig. – Ken Hanke
This might be not only the best line from any review of this movie, but likely the best line from any review you’re apt to read all year. Moose fellation party. Nic Cage put together such a shit show that another man, forced to bear witness, sat at his computer afterwards and thought “yeah, oral sex. Moose. Bingo,” and then went about writing his review. No other actor really has that kind of power. None should.