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Ranking the Image of 9 World Leaders

Yesterday were the Screen Actor’s Guild awards, another opportunity for famous, rich people to congratulate other famous, rich people on how awesome they are.  But not once, not once, have the SAG awards ever acknowledged the stunning fashion sense of the world’s most powerful human beings.  No, not swamp mutants, world leaders.  The fact is, the leaders of the free world (and sometimes the unfree world) look stunning 9 times out of 10.  And that 10th time they still look pretty remarkable, like a hobo bathing in a public fountain.  They’re wondrous.  So, since no one in liberal Hollywood is going to do it, Holy Taco is going to step up and rank some of history’s most visually stunning leaders.

9-Abraham Lincoln

Abe Lincoln, 16th President of the United States, was about 6’4” in a time when the average human didn’t grow more than 4’6” as near as our research department can figure.  Plus he wore a hat that added another foot, because he liked to rub it in.  As you can see in the above photo, when he hung out with civil war reenactment types, he would often dress as the bastard child of Charlie Chaplin and Pinhead.  In that hat.  It’s hard to say why his suit jacket goes down to his knees, except as a way to make people want to mock him for wearing a skirt before he dropped a size 13 boot right down their size 5 extra narrow gullets.

8-Yulia Tymoshenko

Former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko is on a motorcycle with a big ass braid wrapped around her noggin like a fearsome Ukrainian hair snake.  Sort of a latter day Princess Leia and, let’s be honest, hotter than most Chudly world leaders, Yulia is also stinking rich and as crooked as you always suspected Cheney was.  How crooked is that?  Well, she’s currently in prison, so that braid is probably laced with razor blades to f*ck up anyone who gives her sass mouth.

7-Winston Churchill

Adult Winston Churchill looked like a baby.  Or all babies look like Winston Churchill.  Someone said that once, and it’s pretty accurate.  Young Winston Churchill here looks like a smug prick of a sailor.  But that dapper sailor outfit plus a dour expression made even tiny Churchill look like a fashion diva.

6-Barack Obama


These days Barack Obama is all about tailored suits and eating ice cream like he just doesn’t give a shit.  But back in the day, the Audacity of Hope was all about the audacity of that smooth ass hat and a cigarette.  This is a man who listened to Kool and the Gang and probably took change off your coffee table when you weren’t in the room, but later would buy you some Danish so it was square.

5-Kim Jong-il

Former insane master of North Korea, Kim Jong-Il’s wonkiness in all other arenas was only ever outmatched by his stellar fashion sense which is almost entirely on display in the above pics.  Sometimes he wore a jacket, but generally he opted for beige splendor or black pajamas.  Notice how the lines on beige splendor draw your eye to his tiny Buddha and across his man boobies, as though the Dear Leader wanted all of his people to know their fates rested on the ample bosom of a tiny little trogg. And of course, in his black pj’s, his thick glasses and loose-fitting ensemble practically screams “I smell like tobacco and old farts.”

4-Vladimir Putin


Mildly confusing to us Westerners, Vladimir Putin was the 2nd President of the Russian Federation and is the current Prime Minister of Russia and also has plans to run for a 3rd term as President in the next election.  Maybe.  But more important than that is, if you Google him, you’ll find pictures of him on horseback, fishing, swimming with dolphins, playing with dogs and carrying rifles through fields, all shirtless.  Why doesn’t he wear a shirt?  Who the hell knows, but he’s armed, he’s taken out tigers and polar bears in the past, and he’s ex-KGB.  Vladimir Putin is every James Bond villain ever.

3-Pierre Trudeau


Pierre here was the 15h Prime Minister of Canada, back in the days of wicked Canadian disco.  As his outfit demonstrates, you better have his money, bitch.

2-Muammar Gaddafi


Recently shot dictator Muammar Gaddafi was known for many atrocious things in his life but, for the purposes of a low bow comedy article, we’ll make fun of the way he looked like the star of Cirque du Soleil’s Detroit operation.  When not in a cartoon character’s military uniform he stole drapes from eccentric old ladies and wrapped himself in them, perhaps to help inspire his love letters to Condoleeza Rice.


1-Teddy Roosevelt

Theodore Roosevelt was America’s 26th President but its #1 bad ass.  Unlike Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter or George Bush, Teddy Roosevelt had to devote at least a few moments of his day once to decide what would best go with riding a moose across a lake.  Obama has to match his belt and tie.  Reagan had to match his shoes and his silly haircut.  Teddy rode a bloody moose.  In that pith helmet looking thing.  Later he had to find what galoshes worked best for drop kicking robotic ninjas from the future past!  What does that even mean?  Don’t ask Roosevelt, he’d gut you with a tunic. Did you know there were more funny images at Break.com?

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