Everyone likes swearing, it makes the world a more exciting place. People with no imagination will tell you that expletives and other colorful metaphors are the sign of a poor vocabulary and limited intelligence. They say this because they are stuck up ass hats. The fact is a well used swear word can really bring a point home, cap off an excellent insult or just make you sound a little bit more awesome than you would if you had opted to use the term “maternal copulator.” And it’s not just us low brow internet comedians who bust out the language of the streets, oh no, Presidents crank out some winners too. In honor of Presidents Day (which is, ya know, not today) we bring you this list ranking some famous moments in presidential obscenities.
Jimmy Carter – “I’ll whip his ass”
Jimmy Carter is mostly famous these days for his brand of delicious sausages if our research is correct. But back in the day your grandparents elected him President, and apparently he sucked at it. How bad did he suck? His idea of swearing was saying he’d whip Edward Kennedy’s ass. Back to the sausage factory for you, Jimmy.
George Bush – “[G]et Hezbollah to stop doing this shit”
This snippet was taken from a conversation with British Prime minister Tony Blair, who was like the European version of George Bush but he sounded much smarter because of his accent. Anyway, they managed to crack the nut that was the Middle East with this one, suggesting that if Syria could just get Hezbollah to sop doing shit, then, ya know, awesome. Let’s have a Pabst!
Bill Clinton – “I don’t think I should take any shit from anybody about that, do you?”
Bill Clinton banged a chick while he was in office so I don’t know that his foul mouth really needs to be addressed in any way, but if you read this (or just listen to the audio) in Clinton’s voice, it’s a lot funnier. Even better if you read it in a parody of his voice, like from Family Guy. It’s a quote that he dropped when not realizing his mic was still on, which is where some of the best quotes seem to come from these days
JFK – “This is obviously a f*ck up.”
Kennedy was a pretty classy guy and his legend precedes him since his untimely death. This dude did Marilyn Monroe. In modern standards, this is like finding out Obama banged Scarlett Johansson, Kim Kardashian and Sofia Vergara at the same time. So while simply tossing out f*ck up” seems weak, the fact it was the topper to an angry phone call about being screwed on furniture makes it kind of awesome.
Obama Swears Like a Stevedore
It’s hard to pick just one quote from Obama’s book to highlight since all of them are pretty colorful in a Chris Rock sort of way. Most of them are him quoting someone else but it’s still good to know that Obama could handle a night on stage at the Apollo.
LBJ – “I may not know much, but I do know the difference between chicken shit and chicken salad.”
Lyndon Johnson, possibly due to having a name that sounded so much like Linda, developed a bit of a knack for cussing. This quote, proving it would be safe to eat a sandwich Johnson had made, was in relation to a Richard Nixon speech and his inevitable downfall. This makes it awesome in two ways; first for being accurate and second for comparing chicken salad to chicken shit.
LBJ – “The crotch, down where your nuts hang, is always a little too tight.”
Yeah, LBJ just keeps going. This quote came from aphone call at the White House, because they always recorded calls at the White House. Was it in a tense political discussion? A call to an advisor? Ordering pizza? Close, it was LBJ ordering new pants. In his lengthy request he also asks that they let out his ass a little and include some extra fabric since his weight changes about 10-15 pounds every month. Plus, you know, he needs more room for his nuts. How much room? The exact quote involved leaving an inch from where the zipper ends to the back of his bung hole. No lie, have a listen.
LBJ – “F*ck your parliament and your constitution. America is an elephant. Cyprus is a flea. Greece is a flea. If these two fellows continue itching the elephant they may just get whacked by the elephant’s trunk, whacked good.”
The king of presidential cussing is, once again, in the capable hands of LBJ. You can tell this man never thought he’d ever be president; he was a latter day Dick Cheney and had just as much grace.
This fun quote was delivered to a Greek ambassador who apparently didn’t understand foreign relations and needed a succinct crash course in how America handles things abroad. Presidents probably wouldn’t say this today but you know George Bush thought something like this at least once, though arguably in his head there was a lot more snickering.
Still, for saying this out loud, to another person, from another country, in an actual work setting, LBJ takes the gold for Presidential cussing. You were one crazy song of a bitch LBJ. Shit yeah.