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Rating Peyton Manning’s Potential Destinations Based On Irrelevant Criteria

If you haven’t heard by now, Peyton Manning, one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history, was released from his contract by the Indianapolis Colts, and he is now free to sign with whichever team he deems worthy of his talents.

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Now, a lot of “experts” and “professional sports analysts” have their own set of criteria that informs their opinion of where Peyton will end up. My problem with this is that most of the criteria used by the so called “experts” is way too rooted in –and bogged down by — pesky little things like “facts” and “a team’s financial situation” and other such nonsense that is completely logical. With this article, I aim to change the topic of conversation from relevant facts about each of Peyton’s potential destinations to include completely irrelevant, sometimes subjective, criteria; essentially, a bunch of useless bullshit.

Seattle Seahawks – It’s been said that due to the city’s inclement weather, Seattle is prone to having consistently high suicide rates. I think a lot of this might also be due to the citizens of Seattle becoming depressed due to their perceived lack of a football team — a depression that is only intensified when the citizens collectively realize they not only have a football team, but that team is the Seattle Seahawks.

Arizona Cardinals – Let’s put it this way: it’s Arizona, so Peyton Manning is lucky that his name is Peyton Manning and not, say, Mark Sanchez.

Washington Redskins – It’s hard to find another team in the NFL as consistently irrelevant as the Redskins. There are other consistently irrelevant teams out there, to be sure; but the Redskins hold the honor of being number-one when it comes to being a team that acts as cannon fodder for better teams. In that sense, the Redskins are the football version of states like Wyoming. If you ever try to name every state, there’s a good chance that you’ll properly name the first 49, but then you’ll forget that Wyoming is a state. And after about a minute of snapping your fingers and saying, “Uhh…you know…that other place…” someone will tell you Wyoming is the state you’re trying to remember and you’ll respond with, “Oooooh, right. Yeah, that is a place, isn’t it?”

Miami Dolphins – Miami is quickly becoming a hotbed of major sports activity. The Heat are poised to make another run at an NBA title; the Marlins have a new stadium, a new look, and a series of high-profile off-season signings; and the Panthers, South Florida’s NHL team, look like they might make the playoffs for the first time in over a decade. Payton Manning might be the missing piece that the Dolphins need to bring them back to relevance and shine some of the light away from South Florida’s other sports franchises. The problem is a great deal of Miami’s population is made up of people that moved down from New York. So the only way a great deal of football fans in Miami would accept Peyton Manning as a Dolphin is if Peyton played for the Dolphins while wearing a New York Jets jersey.

Denver Broncos – Everyone remembers Tebowmania and Tim Tebow’s improbable run at the tail end of last season, the high note being Tebow’s first possession touchdown pass in overtime to beat the Steelers in the AFC wildcard game. All football fans also remember the ridiculous lead-up to Tebow getting the starting quarterback slot, highlighted by a couple of fans using a billboard to express the city’s desire for the Broncos to start Tebow over Kyle Orton. Well, another billboard has gone up, owned by the same two guys that posted the original Tebow billboard, this time posing yet another Broncos quarterback question:

tim tebow peyton manning billboard

From this, one can deduce that f*ck you, Denver, for wanting to horde all the quarterback-related hype.

New York Jets – The Jets are like Snooki – they’re extremely well-known and no one can remember why. Furthermore, no one can fully understand why anyone would expect anything less than sadness and failure from them, even though their shallow, meaningless fame and notoriety irrationally demands that we should all be rooting for them.

Kansans City Chiefs – Kansas City has good barbeque, I guess, from what I hear on Travel Channel shows about the best barbeque cities in America. But then again, St. Louis is always on that list, too. And Memphis. That about wraps up my deep critical analysis of why Kansas City is a great place to work and play.

Tennessee Titans – Memphis has good barbeque, I guess, from what I hear on Travel Channel shows about the best barbeque cities in America. But then again, St. Louis is always on that list, too. And Kansas City. That about wraps up my deep critical analysis of why Memphis is a great place to work and play.

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