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A Reasonable Alternative to Cell Phones

A Very Special Guest Article by Jack Robichaud
In this day and age, cell phones are everything. People hold their entire lives inside that one little trinket of mechanical genius, but is it getting to be too much? Are we spending too much time texting and not enough time engaging in actual human conversation? And what about that whole ear cancer thing? Is there any safe, effective alternative to cell phones? I believe the answer is right under our noses. Or rather, right above our heads: 
We all have concerns about cell phone technology, which is why I propose Messenger Hawks as a solution to our modern communication problem.  First off, I know what you’re thinking: "is this guy some sort of queer or somethin’?" Well, before you jump to homosexually-inspired conclusions, let’s take a look at some of the advantages that Messenger Hawks bring to the table:
Sure, it may be difficult to find a cheap hawk. They’re an endangered species (at least the cool looking ones are), so they’re not easy to come by. But after about two weeks of dedicated craigslist research, I came across a nice couple from Paraguay who were living illegally in Wisconsin. A nice road trip and a free lunch later, they showed me their hawk. He was an old fella, with graying feathers and a bum leg, but they offered to sell him to me for a measly $7, which I quickly haggled down to $5. This one small payment up front got me a live hawk of my own for the rest of the year, and that son of a bitch is still alive, too. How’s that for a bargain?!

When you own a cellphone, you have to be constantly on guard. It’s like you’re babysitting an electronic mogwai. Don’t spill water on it! Don’t drop it on the ground! Don’t overuse the buttons! And if you’re an alcoholic like me, that can get difficult. I don’t have time to take my phone to the store every weekend for repairs and replacements. With Messenger Hawks, all you need are a few dead rats every week, and if you live near an Arby’s that’s a piece of cake. The only supplies you’ll need are a caligraphy pen and a tiny scroll to write your messages on. Make sure the scroll is small enough for your Messenger Hawk to carry in his talons, otherwise you’ll be sitting alone at the movie theater wondering where your friends are. There’s virtually no maintenance required with Messenger Hawks, because they’ve spent their entire lives learning how to survive on their own. They do the work for you! Can your cell phone do that?
If you’re as popular as I am, then you’ve got random people bombarding you with phone numbers all the time. With a Messenger Hawk, there’s no need to remember pesky phone numbers. All you have to do is whisper  your intended recipient’s name into your Hawk’s ear, and then let it fly. He’ll find his way eventually, because Hawks are naturally embedded with an instinct for recognizing names and carrying messages, which makes them perfect for this job.
Tired of losing your phone in the couch cushions when it’s on vibrate? Do you have an important phone interview today, but you can’t find your phone because you got blackout drunk last night? Well, when is the last time you lost a f*cking hawk?! Even if you did happen to drive home from the bar without your Messenger Hawk last night in a shitfaced haze, your Messenger Hawk is instinctually pre-conditioned to return to you no matter where you are. That’s its only goal in life. Can your blackberry do that? Can your blackberry really do anything cool? I didn’t think so.
Sure, some people can go on the internet, find directions immediately, voice dial their friends, and have cool ringtones on their cell phones. I don’t care if your phone’s casing was molded in the shape of Ultimate Warrior, nothing looks cooler than walking into a bar with a giant, fierce-looking hawk on your shoulder. You’ll have to train that bird to fight off hot chicks just to rid yourself of the massive amounts of pussy that you’ll be drowning in.  Messenger Hawks are the future, and if you’re still not convinced of this, then I’ll leave you with one final question: can your cell phone do this?

21 Responses to "A Reasonable Alternative to Cell Phones"

  1. Ben Affleck says:

    An obvious deduction? Because someone calls bullshit on an unwarranted comment, it clearly must be made by the author of the article? Please do look back on the history of this site and calculate just how many people are willing to claim MY name.

    Or, I reiterate, you could start your own site and see if you have enough energy to care about posting retorts. As a web developer, I barely have enough energy to restart the server if it goes down, never mind engage in pointless arguments on my own sites.
    I will on this one, so don’t even load your witless come back gun. This is not my site and therefore is an entertaining pastime when code is compiling. A convenient excuse, if you will.

    I wish I did write the article. I happen to agree with it. Plus, eagles are awesome. So there!

  2. Ben Affleck says:

    Also, Jack Robichaud = Ben Affleck is incorrect as a single = is merely a comparative and not an absolute. You would have to state it like this: Jack Robichaud == Ben Affleck

  3. justin says:
    You deserve the promise of a t-shirt for that, my friend.
  4. Ben Affleck says:

    I may deserve the promise of a shirt, but is that actually a promise of a shirt? If so, how do I collect?

  5. justin says:
    send me your name, address, and shirt size. feedback@holytaco.com
  6. An obvious deduction says:

    Jack Robichaud = Ben Affleck

  7. An even more obvious deduction says:

    An obvious deduction = Douchebag

  8. Firsty McFirsterson says:

    Tragically unfunny.

  9. Jack Robichaud says:

    Not only am I tragically unfunny, but I don’t even know the difference between “it’s” and “its”! The fact that I’ve been permitted to write for this website only proves that Justin and Casey are lazy, worthless sacks of shit with frighteningly small penises.

  10. Ben Affleck says:

    Isn’t it amazing how many absolute retards there are dwelling within the internet. You seriously go and focus on something like the usage of “its” and insist that’s enough to start a flame war? In case you didn’t notice, it’s THE INTERNET – where shit like “how r u?” passes as English, OMFG means something, and complete douche bags like the Chocolate Rain guy get tragically infamous for doing dumb shit in front of a camera. NOBODY CARES if you FUCK UP! If you can’t handle it, go start your own site and grammar Nazi it yourself. See if you get any traffic. See how long you care. Then open it up to public comments and sift through the sea of shit faced idiots who will belittle you for any good god damn reason, as though they themselves had a flawless typing record, or at least the mindset that they would make perfectly composed articles for a group of jackasses that clearly don’t appreciate your work.

  11. Goat says:

    FUCK BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA no first for me but second first place looser damn BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

  12. east Bound and Down says:

    Hilarious Im getting one.

  13. JohnnyBrillcream says:

    Why has it reached a point that you can look at a column on this site and know it’s (note the proper use) going to be bad. I’m finding myself going straight to the comment to see how bad it really is.

  14. justin says:
    So…you’re judging articles based on the comments? Without even reading them? That’s probably really fucking stupid of you.
  15. EL POOKADOR says:


  16. DonkeyXote says:

    I don’t like hawks or birds of prey in general. One time a hawk mistook my barely-there penis for a mouse and attacked it, it was embarassing to say the least…

  17. Hawkqueem says:

    Hawks are cheap in my country, we use them all the time…problem is sometimes they shit on the messages

  18. *Insert Witty Name* says:

    If hawks are cheap in your country, it must also be the sort of country that has one steam-powered computer that’s shared between it’s population.
    If that’s the case, I’d like to congratulate you for choosing HolyTaco as the one website you can visit before a guerilla beats you with his rifle while shouting “Back to the field!”

  19. office jerk, says:

    do you live in narnia?

  20. This girl is hot says:

    I like this article! There I said it Justin! Were is my fucking t-shirt now?!?!

    The captcha keeps yelling at me!!

  21. yoda says:

    Sucks much this article did.