A Very Special Guest Article by Jack Robichaud
In this day and age, cell phones
are everything. People hold their entire lives inside that one little trinket of mechanical genius, but is it getting to be too much? Are we spending too much time texting and not enough time engaging in actual human conversation
? And what about that whole ear cancer thing? Is there any safe, effective alternative to cell phones? I believe the answer is right under our noses. Or rather, right above our heads:
We all have concerns about cell phone technology, which is why I propose Messenger Hawks as a solution to our modern communication problem. First off, I know what you’re thinking: "is this guy some sort of queer or somethin’?" Well, before you jump to homosexually-inspired conclusions, let’s take a look at some of the advantages that Messenger Hawks bring to the table:
Sure, it may be difficult to find a cheap hawk. They’re an endangered species (at least the cool looking ones are), so they’re not easy to come by. But after about two weeks of dedicated craigslist research, I came across a nice couple from Paraguay who were living illegally in Wisconsin. A nice road trip and a free lunch later, they showed me their hawk. He was an old fella, with graying feathers and a bum leg, but they offered to sell him to me for a measly $7, which I quickly haggled down to $5. This one small payment up front got me a live hawk of my own for the rest of the year, and that son of a bitch is still alive, too. How’s that for a bargain?!
When you own a cellphone, you have to be constantly on guard. It’s like you’re babysitting an electronic mogwai. Don’t spill water on it! Don’t drop it on the ground! Don’t overuse the buttons! And if you’re an alcoholic like me, that can get difficult. I don’t have time to take my phone to the store every weekend for repairs and replacements. With Messenger Hawks, all you need are a few dead rats every week, and if you live near an Arby’s that’s a piece of cake. The only supplies you’ll need are a caligraphy pen and a tiny scroll to write your messages on. Make sure the scroll is small enough for your Messenger Hawk to carry in his talons, otherwise you’ll be sitting alone at the movie theater wondering where your friends are. There’s virtually no maintenance required with Messenger Hawks, because they’ve spent their entire lives learning how to survive on their own. They do the work for you! Can your cell phone do that?
If you’re as popular as I am, then you’ve got random people bombarding you with phone numbers all the time. With a Messenger Hawk, there’s no need to remember pesky phone numbers. All you have to do is whisper your intended recipient’s name into your Hawk’s ear, and then let it fly. He’ll find his way eventually, because Hawks are naturally embedded with an instinct for recognizing names and carrying messages, which makes them perfect for this job.
Tired of losing your phone in the couch cushions when it’s on vibrate? Do you have an important phone interview today, but you can’t find your phone because you got blackout drunk last night? Well, when is the last time you lost a f*cking hawk?! Even if you did happen to drive home from the bar without your Messenger Hawk last night in a shitfaced haze, your Messenger Hawk is instinctually pre-conditioned to return to you no matter where you are. That’s its only goal in life. Can your blackberry do that? Can your blackberry really do anything cool? I didn’t think so.
Sure, some people can go on the internet, find directions immediately, voice dial their friends, and have cool ringtones on their cell phones. I don’t care if your phone’s casing was molded in the shape of Ultimate Warrior, nothing looks cooler than walking into a bar with a giant, fierce-looking hawk on your shoulder. You’ll have to train that bird to fight off hot chicks just to rid yourself of the massive amounts of pussy that you’ll be drowning in. Messenger Hawks are the future, and if you’re still not convinced of this, then I’ll leave you with one final question: can your cell phone do this?