For only one easy payment of $39.95, I will accompany you to a party so you can introduce me to your friends as your neighbor/cousin from Nebraska/autistic kid you’re babysitting, even though I’m like 25. Once at this party, I will play the role of the person that gets invited to a party filled with people he doesn’t know by someone that knows all of those people. While you are mingling/chatting with all of your close friends and chicks you’d like to bone, I will perform my duty as the guy that rarely, if ever, says anything in conversations due to my crippling fear of being judged by new people that I think “won’t get me” and my “peculiar sense of humor,” and all while I stand or sit within the group having a discussion but I’ll be standing or sitting juuuust far enough outside of the group that everyone notices and can’t stop thinking about how awkward it is that I’m not saying anything.
And that’s not all. For an extra $19.95 I will occasionally make an attempt to glance at my watch without anyone noticing (they will all notice) and make a face that expresses how little I actually want to be there (which will be very little).
If you want to go all out with the awkward-silent -guy-at-the-party routine, I will even make a single comment about 2 hours in to the party that confirms the very reason why I did not want to add in to the discussion in the first place. The thing I say will be different for every customer, and will be dependent upon the flow of the conversion and the topic at hand. Some things that I’ve said at previous parties are:
“Yeah, I mean, I want to care about the starving Africans, but I just hate blacks sooooo much.”
“One day the honkey race with get its comeuppance when they are all enslaved by the supreme Negros.”
And it doesn’t even have to be a race based comment…
“Man, I really like Two and a Half Men.”
“I’ve always thought the arrangement of my shoe laces had something to do with the moon landing and, you know, how it was a hoax and all.”
“Yeah, that’s why I always defecate while wearing a bib.”
But don’t take my word for it! Just listen to these satisfied customers!
So, if you’re ready to have “some new guy” standing among you and your friends for an extended period of time without saying a single word, and only makes everything weird and looms over you with an ominous presence of boredom and social anxiety, then give me a call and reserve me for your next party today!
Operators are standing by…you awkwardly without saying anything for the past hour.