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Replace Your Absent Father With a Poster

Flat Daddy

Is little Johnny sad that daddy won’t be home anymore due to his excessive drinking and proclivity for banging hookers in the basement? Does he need a male role model in his life? If this describes your familial situation, then don’t bother trying to replace daddy with a great step-father made of flesh and blood and can give hugs and play catch — give your child the gift of a life-sized, wall-mountable poster of the father that ignored all of his parental responsibilities. Give your child a Flat Daddy, a poster of their father that acts as a constant reminder that daddy just doesn’t love them enough to be around them.

To be fair, Flat Daddies were created with a heartwarming and somewhat understandable intention. They were created by the wife of a U.S. solider who was going off to war, leaving his children behind. To keep her husband’s presence around the house, mom took it upon herself to blow up a picture of her husband to turn it in to a poster. See? With a story like that it’s easy to sympathize. But if you see this product and you don’t know the back story of its creation, then it just seems like some truly demented shit to do to a child. Your father’s not around anymore, so here’s 2-dimensional representation of him that you can slap on to a wall next to your poster of Pink Floyd and that big-titted girl that’s rubbing her junk all over a Japanese import car.

Isn’t this kind of, sort of along the same lines of an obsessed manic making a doll of his female neighbor out of locks of hair he pulled out of her shower drain? Obviously, they’re not the same. But they’re on the same playing field. Take a look at this picture, as an example…

Flat Daddy

It’s sad…but probably not for the reason it should be.

These things remind me of Fat Heads. Fat Heads are those large posters of athletes that children can post in their bedrooms, or big, bratwurst-eating football fans post on the wall of their garage gym they never use. 


Fat Head

Flat Daddies could potentially be Fat Heads for dead-beat dads. Instead of Chad Ochocinco dramatically running a football in to the end zone, how about a picture of Phil scratching his nuts though his mustard-stained boxers as he flips you off with his beer-holding hand, and all while his lips are curved in that familiar way that lets you know that at the moment the picture was snapped he was calling you a queer for taking a picture of him? Now that’s an accurate representation of nearly all dads.

How about give the Flat Daddy a mechanical arm that can toss an empty beer bottle at your head, or spin the buckle-side of a belt at 250 RPMs? If you want to get really accurate with your representation of dad, how about you drop the whole 2-D poster thing and just make it a giant sleeve graced with your father’s image that can be slid over a mannequin, and then seated in front of the TV? Toss in a voice chip that randomly belts out some of your father’s famous catchphrases, like “Brett Favre can eat my ass” or “If your mom looked like that Heidi Klum chick, I’d probably find it within myself to put the wood to her on a nightly basis. Maybe then she’d shut her damn trap, for once,” and it’ll be like dad never left your family for that 19-year-old stripper from Hoboken.

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