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Replotting 6 Classic Sitcoms for HBO

Hollywood is mired in a mind boggling enigma of inspirational backward diarrhea.  It keeps swallowing shit to construct the same thing you’ve seen over and over again, remaking, rebooting and adapting ideas that other people have done the same thing to 6 times over already.  Star Wars in 3D?  A Spiderman reboot?  A million and one reality competitions ripped off of previous versions of the same show?  It gets tiring.  If new ideas are so had to think up, then may we suggest at least adapting your rip off to a new venue and changing the tone?  So basically more blood and boobies, we want this stuff on HBO.

Perfect Strangers

Larry Appleton is an investigative reporter for the Chicago Tribune.  His cousin Balki has just moved to Chicago from a remote Greek island to live with him and find a job in the USA so he can provide for his ailing mother.  The move is only a minor inconvenience for Larry but he hasn’t  seen his cousin since they were children.

But as Larry begins to uncover a massive story of corruption, greed and even murder that starts in Chicago but spans the globe, it seems that someone has begun investigating him and cousin Balki knows more than he is letting on.  It’s starting to look like this family reunion will end in blood.  Ray Liotta and Billy Zane are…Perfect Strangers.

Full House

Daniel Tanner (Ian McShane) is a porn director on the skids who was just evicted from his home after the county condemned it as being unfit for human habitation.  Broke and with a dream on how to reclaim his former glory he shacks up with former porn star Joe Gladcock (Peter Stormare) and burnout musician John Stamos (John Stamos).  The only catch is Tanner’s 21 year old twin daughters already live there and have been shacking up with Joe and John for months along with Joe’s manager/ex-wife and their nanny.  Toss in fetish porn geek neighbor Kimmy Gobbler (Janeane Garofalo) and you’ve got yourself a Full House.

Family Matters

Carlos Winslola is a Hispanic-American cop who’s just moved to the border town of Laredo, Texas.  Along with his wife Consuela, son Eduardo and daughter Larunda, they’ve just met their new neighbor Stefano Urkelino, a nerdish science student who takes an instant interest in young Larunda.  While Carlos finds himself thrust into a world of drug cartels and violence, Larunda finds herself increasingly at odds with the overbearing Stefano who seems to understand no boundaries and is constantly showing up wherever Larunda is with an eerie regularity.

Carlos will soon discover that money can buy anything including a police force, and that everyone in Laredo has secrets to keep.  Secrets that his family may pay for.  For Benjamin Bratt, Salma Hayek, Selena Gomez and Frankie Muniz, Family Matters.

 

The Cosby Show

Cliff Huxtable is Beverly Hills’ hottest plastic surgeon.  His wife Claire is an entertainment lawyer with the highest profile clients in all of Hollywood.  Day in and day out they have to deal not with a demanding, eccentric group of clients, but also their not so run of the mill family including flamboyantly gay fashion designer son Théo, transgendered blogger Vanessa, inspirational football star Rudy, feminist playwright Sandra, and live-in hobo Lisa Bonet.

Friends

Europe 1348.  The Black Death is sweeping across the world like the hand of the devil, claiming lives and destroying families.  In the small village of Montbeliard 6 survivors must band together to preserve their family heritage and hold out against all odds as more than simply the Plague scours the country side looking for victims.  Starring Claire Daines as Rochelle, Emily Browning as Monique and Dakota Fanning as Plaisance.  With Eric Balfour as Jean-Jacques, Kieran Culkin as Rousel and Dominic Monaghan as Chandler.

MASH

Afghanistan.  American Forces wage a war on terror, fighting an insurgency on a mission to return freedom and insure safety for the people of Afghanistan and the world.  But in the shadows, beyond what we’ve seen back home, there is another war.  Dangerous killers that the desert nomads call “the Doctors” watch and wait for their opportunities to strike.  These ancient killers perform twisted procedures on their victims and no one has ever lived to tell the tale – until now.  One American GI, given up as KIA returns to base late one night. Bloodied, savaged, his body a roadmap of pain and terror, he can only say one word “surgeon” before falling into a coma.  Doctors work for days trying to heal his damaged body; the parts they’re able to repair.  Nothing can be done for his missing parts however, nor the inhuman eyes he now possesses.  His Hawk Eyes.  Plus maybe there’ll be mutant monkeys!

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