It is being reported that Taco Bell, the nation’s leading provider of food you regret eating at 2 am when all other restaurants are closed, has amassed an army of 85 million Doritos taco shells that they will unleash upon the world in March.
The taco, which is a regular crunchy taco that has a shell made of nacho-flavored Doritos, essentially making it one giant chip stuffed with meat and lettuce, is already on sale at a few Taco Bell locations, and will soon be available to everyone soon. In preparation for this massive invasion of your gullets and waistlines, Taco Bell has mass-produced 85 million of the dusty shells, and they’re probably sitting in a warehouse somewhere right now, waiting to be activated, like an army of killbots waiting for the president and the shadow president to simultaneously turn their keys on a control board buried deep below the earth’s crust.
85 million is a lot. As Gizmodo points out, that’s one taco shell “for every single person in Germany to receive one. And then another four million left over.”
My question is, if these things are already made and waiting to be eaten, how long is their shelf life? How is Taco Bell preserving these things so that they have the utmost confidence in their freshness when it comes time for mass distribution? I thought food was supposed to be perishable. When I buy taco shells from the grocery store for my bi-monthly taco night (my tacos can kick your tacos asses), I always end up with a couple of shells left over that I have to inevitably throw away a couple of days later after they’ve become stale and have the crunchiness of a paper plate. The same applies to the one bag of Doritos I buy every year. As soon as I open the bag the countdown clock begins. Every hour I don’t eat from that opened bag of Doritos, 0.01% of the crunch vanishes forever, as if it were the cautionary moral of a fairy tale. “Always remember, kids: eat the chips soon after you open the bag…OR ELSE THEY’LL BECOME A LITTLE DISAPPOINTING OVER TIME!”