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Resolved Questions: Advice For Senior Year

Today’s question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user nicole. Nicole. Writes:
Yahoo Answers

Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “have so much sex that you vomit”

Ah, yes. Senior year of high school. I remember my senior year like it was yesterday. It all began in the summer preceding my final year of schooling, a summer in which I fell in love with a girl that had to move back to Australia by summer’s end. We said our goodbyes, and I promised her that this was not going to be the end — it was only the beginning. I then discovered that she went to my school, she joined a rival gang of ladies that all exclusively dated my gang of slick-haired, chain smoking dude friends, and then we all periodically sung songs about grease and lightening, summertime love, and being electrified by skanky-looking chicks throughout the year’s running time, which was roughly 110 minutes.

I learned a lot in that final year of high school, all of which I will now pass on to you, Nicole.


As a senior, most of the hard work you have put in in-order to get in to a good college is done, leaving you to basically do whatever the hell you want with your free class time. Actually going to class has become, by this point, a formality. Look around you in your class room. Notice how the only people that don’t have drool leaking on to their shoes as they catch up on some sleep after playing Halo until 5 A.M. the night before are the ones whose parents have trained them to be the kind of hard American worker that eventually becomes rich, but also has a massive drinking problem and can’t hold down a steady relationship because everyone they date ends up thinking they’re secretly a serial murderer. So unless you hate your liver and already have an impressive collection of dead neighborhood cats in your closet, use this class time to plot out your sexual conquests.

High Five

Speaking of which, senior year is the best moment in your high school career to pound the pussy pavement. Or to pound the dick…uh…driveway (?), as the case may be. No matter how low on the high school social scale you are, you’re still a senior. Just as it is in the world of celebrity, there are plenty of people out there (both men and women) that want to bang you only because of your social status. These people are called StarF*ckers in the world of Hollywood and in high school they’re called Freshmen. It’d be best to try to get in as much freshmen sex as you possibly can in your senior year because, depending on what state you live in, when you do that same thing only a year later when you’re a freshmen in college there’s a good chance you’ll either be A) arrested, or B) stabbed by an enraged father (or high-fived by a proud father if you’re a college girl banging a high school freshmen boy).

Lastly, senior year of high school is the stuff of legend. Why else would Hollywood make movies about seniors and not, say, juniors or sophomores? It’s because there’s nothing romantic and wistful about being in your second or third year of high school. Wake up, go to class, get a job, do your homework, go to sleep, shut the f*ck up. There’s nothing special about any class other than a senior class. So take this opportunity to set a standard that your underclassmen can follow by being just a complete asshole; fulfilling the roll of the cool kid in school that doesn’t play by society’s rules…man. Be the kid that makes death threats to the principal. Be the kid that gets hauled out of AP English in handcuffs after getting a blowjob in the stairwell in full view of the security cameras. Be the kid that, according to rumors, once killed a man by throwing a horse at him. A GODDAMN HORSE.


I Hope I’ve Helped!

5 Responses to "Resolved Questions: Advice For Senior Year"

  1. Al Gore, Internet CEO says:

    Wait, so I’m looking at the cast of 90210 on 9-02-10?

    /head asplode

  2. Dr POoPenHEiNZ says:

    hahahaha your totally right !

  3. Anonymous_ says:

    You mean 90212?

  4. Gomer says:

    Goddammit! This has made me realize that I wasted my entire senior year.

    Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. lolFox says:

    “Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    Why yes. Yes, that is precisely what you ought to have been doing for your entire senior year. c: