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Resolved Questions: American Poop and European Toilets


Today’s question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user JOhn. JOhn writes:

Yahoo Answers

Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “You should be very worried.”

Some fool hearty folks might tell you that no matter where you go in the world, poop will always be poop. This is just not so, as is evidenced by the technological incompatibilities of the receptacles we use to catch our poop. Where a couple of Americans can swap toilets and poop with ease, dropping a patriotic, red, white, and blue poop in a French toilet can be a difficult task on par with applying your 4th grade education to Chinese algebra, which is harder than regular algebra because the numbers are written in strange, obscure characters, such as “4” and “17” – figures that are nearly unrecognizable to us round-eyes.

But one thing I have to mention that you probably won’t like, JOhn, is that this problem isn’t only found in the American poop-to-European poop change over. This problem can be found in every country, as everybody not only poops, as the classic Dostoevsky novel once reminded us, but everybody poops differently. Ever wondered why Australian toilets flush in the opposite direction? It’s because Australian digestive systems produce poops that, if flushed down an American toilet, would be reduced to a battered smattering of chunks and particles, none of which, due to its configuration, can be dispatched with a single flush. In short, it’s because Australian poop curves the other way. It probably has something to do with them living on the other side of the flat disc that is earth. Strange things occur to those that have survived the journey off the edge of the planet. Up is down (literally), black is white (figuratively, but not in Singapore), and poop starts to look like modern art instead of modern art looking like poop. If I may employ the usage of a pun, there’s some crazy ass shit going on the other side of our flat plain of existence.

Flat Earth

So where Australian poop is curvier, European poop is just too sophisticated for our somewhat lower-brow American poop. For one, Europeans don’t even like calling it poop, as they prefer the much more elegant (and much more French) Merde. And when they really want to get up in their own ass, they refer to their Euro shit in Esperanto, calling it their fek’. They’re kind of douchey over there, but they gave us our self-righteous smugness that makes us hate their self-righteous smugness, so it all evens out. But on a physical level what makes our poop and theirs so different is its character. Euro poop is usually thinner, stringier, and much more refined. American poop is just kind of a mess. It’s inconsistent and has a tendency to just kind of splatter everywhere. This presents a problem for Americans pooping in European toilets, as an American’s larger and, let’s say, more fragrant poops would choke the steel throats of a French toilette.

To remedy this, toilet manufactures have created converters that can be placed over a toilet seat that allow you to poop as usual without having to worry about any problems. The device processes your poop and converts it from your large, messy American poop, to an elegant French poop, or a corkscrewy Spanish poop, or a Polish poop, which is nearly indistinguishable from vomit. The converter is pictured below.


As you can clearly see, it’s simple, intuitive, and easy to use. All you need is a 45×60 square foot bathroom, access in to an electrical power generator, and a trusted friend.

I Hope I’ve Helped!

2 Responses to "Resolved Questions: American Poop and European Toilets"

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