Today’s Question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user William Clay. William writes:
Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: ”Does it fetch sticks, too?”
William, what you’re dealing with here is what’s known in the zoological community as a “feral poon,” which is, simply put, when a vagina that has been living in seclusion for many years is suddenly thrust in to a society of men and women that want to f*ck it. The reason for your girlfriend’s feral vagina could be that you are one of her first – if not the first – sexual partners; or perhaps after a bad break up, your girlfriend’s vagina went in to hiding to shield itself away from the harshness of reality. Either way, her vagina became accustomed to living within the darkness of panties and only engaging in human contact during gyno appointments.
Not that I need to warn you, for you are plenty terrified as is (as you should be), but you should exercise caution when dealing with your girlfriend’s wild and mangy vagina. Indeed, the barking you heard was of the territorial kind, but instantly assuming that there is no hope for rehabilitation is not the way to go. There are ways to introduce or reintroduce her vagina back in to society, but first we must assess just how disconnected she has become.
To do this, you must perform a number of tests and answer a few questions:
1) Does her vagina freak out when guests arrive?
2) When you ask her vagina to lick peanut butter off of your testicles, does it cock its head to the side and begrudgingly do it anyway?
3) Does it try to steal other people’s babies for dinner?
4) Does it think iPhones are the devil’s work?
5) When you leave a tampon in front of it, does it quickly suck it in and scurry back in to the shadows?
If you answered yes to over 80% of these questions, then your girlfriend has a serious, and possibly rabid problem between her legs, Will. But it’s alright. Everything will be okay. There are plenty of ways that you can, in time, slowly transition the vagina back in to the world. For instance, if the next time you’re maneuvering her legs around and the vagina belts out a warning bark, release a quick territorial piss of your own all over your girlfriend. She may not be the biggest fan of you releasing your watery waste all over her, but urinating on the woman you love is what’s best for the relationship.
Also, you can just bark back at it with your own rabid, inner-feral fury. The only truly terrifying thing to a highly protective wild creature is an even more protective wild creature that refuses to back down from a fight. Once you hear that first bark, you should unleash a hellish barrage of primitive, throaty barks that rasp the vocal chords and inflate your balls with testosterone. This will force the vagina to adopt a more subservient attitude toward you. This may take some time to truly master, and you should record yourself barking a women’s fully exposed vagina while only inches away from the vaginal folds, and then post the video online for all of us to…uh…learn from.
We Hope We’ve Helped!