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Resolved Questions: Disciplining An Ugly Baby

Ugly baby

Today’s question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user Education Connection Girl. Education Connection Girl writes:

Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “WTF?! NO NO NO!!!!”

Most babies are fairly easy to discipline. As tiny, underdeveloped humans, babies lack the ability to block a majority of punches, kicks and karate chops, but for some reason seem adept at defending themselves from headbutts. But that’s babies as a whole. When you get to the specifics of pretty babies versus ugly babies, scientists, after spending years in laboratories hurling furious punches and kicks at babies, have discovered that attractive babies tend to be more protective of their good looks than ugly babies, possibly due to every baby’s latent knowledge of how far good looks will get them in life, whereas ugly babies aren’t going to be impressing anyone with their misshapen eyes and oblong heads, so, in turn, they don’t seem to give a rat’s ass about what happens to their faces. 


Clint Howard

This information speaks volumes on the societal value of ugly babies, specifically, what do we do with them? While some researchers have suggested we “discipline” them only enough so their heads do not become too misshapen, thus hindering their ability to land a job as a graveyard shift waiter at Denny’s when they grow older, other, more progressively minded researchers have suggested we discipline ugly babies to the point where they can eventually mature in to the kind of mindless drone of an office worker that everyone in the office can look to when they need their spirits lifted during times of sadness and depression. In their arguments, these progressively minded researchers cite a 1997 study from the University of Dunkirk, located in France, that show ugly babies that grow in to ugly adults can fill the vital role of the “Ugly One In The Group That Makes Everyone Else Look Better By Comparison” that all groups of “friends” need.

As you can see, Education Connection Girl, ugly babies are a necessary part of our society, and the question of whether or not we should even be disciplining them is even up for debate: yes, we should be discipline them. But to answer your question more specifically — whether or not it is easier to discipline an ugly baby – the clear answer is yes, much easier. There are some babies out there though, typically the fugly ones, that can put up a bit of a fight, what with their devil-may-care disregard for the opinions and demands of we pretty people. Needless to say, a simple timeout or a withholding of their video games will not work against a fugly child. But you’d be surprised what form of discipline works best on a fugly baby: a mirror. Yes, simply holding a mirror to a fugly baby that is pooping its pants on a nearly daily basis and crying because it’s hungry like a little loser can pacify a fugly child within seconds, as even fugly babies understand the fuglyniess set before them. All they need is a quick reminder of why they’ll never be successful in our superficiality-dominated world. Although, they may be able to get a scholarship or two from some prestigious universities around the world that are trying to add some diversity to their predominantly attractive student body. So if you have a fugly baby, at least they have that to look forward to, but probably not much else.

I Hope I’ve Helped!

2 Responses to "Resolved Questions: Disciplining An Ugly Baby"

  1. dat dude says:

    First, omg that kid couldnt look any more jewish even if he tried to

  2. Dwight K. Schrute says:

    Has anyone rubbed one out while picturing a naked baby, not saying that i have while I was babysitting, just that I’m curious to know who has. Let’s have a show of hands, please..