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Resolved Questions: Heavy Computer

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Today’s question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user Cookies. Cookies writes:


yahoo answers

Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “hahahahahaha”


Cookies, you have posed a very interesting question that not many people think about when it comes to personal computer maintenance. The downside to your question is that it has a very complex answer. The way you phrased it tosses a large net over a topic that’s very specific that has many tiny cogs and gears to consider. But, if we were to cast the large net, we would say, yes; downloading files does add weight to your computer. But, if we were to get down to the nitty gritty, we’d discover that different files carry with them different weights that can add to your hard drive’s heft.

Simple files  (like anything Microsoft office produces, for example)weigh in at only a couple of grams each; so having a lot of saved .docs and .xls files shouldn’t be too much of a problem, unless of course, you have an old and heavily used hard drive. The real problem comes in to play when you’re downloading larger files, like songs or videos. But, again, we can’t cast a large net here, because it’s the specifics that count.

If you’re downloading entire season of Two And A Half Men, your computer may be as light and airy as a mid-afternoon biscuit, as the files aren’t as weighed down by high caliber writing, non-clichéd premises,  and genuine emotion that isn’t be manipulated out of you by a cringe-worthy laugh track. Conversely, just one episode of Breaking Bad can add a pound to a pound-and-a-half of weight due to the show’s high quality drama and intense “Holy Shit!” moments. The point is, the higher the quality of the file, the heavier the computer.



Here’s a handy guide for downloading TV Shows:

Heavy: 30 Rock, Arrested Development, Firefly, Dexter, Battlestar Galactica, Community, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Buffy The Vampire Slayer, Seinfeld, Spaced. 

Light: Everything else.

But the biggest way for your computer to pack on the digital pounds is with pornography. Your average video of a man and a women engaging in raunchy, non-procreation-based copulation can add a something in the neighborhood of 7 or 8 ounces. A video of a woman with a bunch of lawn ornaments all up in her can weigh 12 ounces.

But there, on the far end of the heavy porn spectrum, lies Shiza porn. Shiza porn (aka, people pooping on each other – typically Europeans) is commonly known as one of the most sexually satisfying things to masturbate to dense forms of pornography you can download to your computer, weighing in at an average of 14 ounces per file. If you have a rather robust and pungent collection of shiza porn, then you’re looking at a hard drive that’s being weighed down by upwards of 83 pounds of digital shit.



Carrying around that much shit can add a lot of stress to the lower back and neck; and you’ll quickly discover that the only new friends you’re making are the kind that have swastika tattoos on their lower backs, and a vast and varied collection of Victorian Era anti-Semitic French erotica.

We Hope We’ve Helped!

7 Responses to "Resolved Questions: Heavy Computer"

  1. FestivousForTheRestOfUs says:

    i demand more breaking bad referances!

  2. person says:

    I agree best show on TV right now.

  3. aPlateOfGrapes.com says:

    What was that about cookies?

  4. aPlateOfGrapes.com says:

    I know, but now I want (lowercase) cookies. Uppercase Cookies is a dumb ass.

  5. Luis Prada says:
    It’s the name of the person that asked the intial question on Yahoo! Answers. Look at left corner in the picture of the question.
  6. Curious George says:

    I can’t decide whether or not I wanna see the un-pixelated version of that image…

  7. Smartass says:

    Just fap to it. You know you want to.