Today’s question come to us from Yahoo! Answers user Cale. Cale writes:
Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “Give me your email and password and I’ll tell you how”
In the past few years Facebook has grown in to a huge company that takes all appropriate security measures necessary to ensure their site meets a standard of quality that their users have come to expect. Sometimes a skilled hacker can break through their defenses and cause a certain degree of mayhem, but the number of people that can effectively pull this off is small. You, Cale, are a self-proclaimed n00b, which means nearly all Facebook hacks are out of the question for you as they are far beyond your skill level. But notice how I said “nearly all” and not “all.” There is one hack in particular that nearly anyone of any hacking skill level can pull off. Of course, as with all hacking, the process is risky, and the chances of getting caught are still high, but in terms of difficulty it is comparatively low. This hack is also very simple, which is why I say nearly any entry level hacker can pull it off.
Here’s a quick and easy step-by-step guide to hacking a personal Facebook account:
1) Identify the person whose account you want to gain access to. You’re going to want to start off small, so only try to hack one account and not multiple accounts at a time.
2) Drive to that person’s house.
3) You see those bushes over there? No, not those. The ones just in front of that bedroom window. Yeah, those. Get in those bushes.
4) Peer in to the window while making sure the person whose account you want to hack can’t see your face. You may also want to take an extra precaution by removing some long bush branches so you can cover your face with them.
5) Watch them as they dress and undress. Yeah…yeah, that’s nice. Just like that…
6) Withhold your joy over the exiting process of computer hacking. You don’t want to draw any attention to your heroic act of pointing out security errors in computer systems.
7) Wait for the person to leave the room in which the computer is stationed.
8) Once they’re gone, carefully and quietly slide the window open.
9) Step inside their home.
10) While remaining as silent as you can be, slide open their underwear drawer and proceed to sniff the crotch area of the person’s undies.
11) Rub it on your cheeks.
12) Is that a pube? Give it a lick. Maybe even a sly, suggestive wink.
13) Wrap the underwear around your head like a gasmask with the crotch over your nose and mouth. Doing this will prevent internet security systems from identifying you…because you have a mask on.
14) Access the person’s computer and open their web browser.
15) Type in Facebook.com.
16) Shit, they don’t have their Email and password saved as a cookie. Drats!
17) Look for a random object – a stapler, a vase, a picture frame, some with some heft or size – and drop it to the ground.
18) Notice the door to the room is open. Step behind the door and stand with your back flat against the wall.
20) As soon as the person walks in to the room to investigate the sound, pop out from behind the door and grab them by the mouth to muffle the sound of their blood curdling screams. Isn’t hacking fun? ISN’T IT?!
21) Say to this person, “If you don’t shut your goddamn mouth I’m going to spam the shit out of you. Do you want pictures of wieners all over your Vacation with the Fam ’08!! Photo album? No? Then cram it and tell me your password and Email!”
22) When they ask, “W—who are you?” say, “I’m l33t. That’s all you need to know.” If you want, you can give them your hacker handle, because those are really cool. If you don’t have one, just pair a word that sounds vaguely computer-ish with some other random word, like Data Phreak, or Digital Phantom, or Tom Davies — using your real name is always nice because it creates transparency and accountability.
23) Sit them down in their computer chair and request them to type in their Email and password in to Facebook. You may also want to remind them that crying is an exercise in futility, and that you have a very large gun that you will kill them with if they do not comply. You don’t actually need a gun to hack in to someone’s computer, but it helps, especially if their fear is causing them to misspell their Email or login. At a time like that a gun can act as a nice motivator.
24) Once they’re signed in say, “Alright, now, hit the ground. DON’T TURN AROUND! DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE! I AM ANONYMOUS!! I AM LEGION!! I AM TOM DAVIES!! MANY, MANY ANONYMOUS TOM DAVIES!”
25) Once you have successfully hacked in to their Gibson like a true l33t HaXXor, do what you came there to do: under the digital guise of this person, write a status update declaring this person’s love for the genitalia of their same sex, making it seem as though this person is a homosexual with typing-centric Tourette syndrome.
26) You did it! You’re totally a l33t HaXXor!! The world should look like this to you…
27) Kill the owner of the Facebook page. The mark of all true l33t HaXXorz is not leaving behind a trail that the FBI can follow.
28) Feel accomplished that you have done a good day’s worth of hacking.
That’s it! It’s that easy! After that, you can get to work using this same methodology to hack in to banks, jewelry stores, blood donation centers, the personal websites of annoying celebrities, and, eventually, and with enough practice, you’ll be able to use this technique to hack your way out of your maximum security prison cell. But be careful with that last one, as prisons have been known to have very strong firewalls, long encryption codes, and unscrupulous guards with high-powered rifles.
I Hope I’ve Helped!