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Resolved Questions: Meat Curtains

Yahoo Answers

Today’s question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user Eunice. Eunice writes:

Meat Curtain

Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “He wants to have sex with you”

Ohhh, Eunice, you have just asked the type of question that we love the most here at Holy Taco. Recipe suggestions! We love to cook in the office. We have a beautiful charcoal grill set up in an empty cubical that we fire up once a week and slap some steaks on to. The secret to our delicious steak is the slow smoking process. While some grillers simply lower the grill’s top to allow the smoky goodness envelop the meat and impart flavor, we like to take things one step further by closing all the office windows and doors, as well as making sure the A/C unit is off. Things do tend to get stuffy rather quickly, and the smoke can reach a level of thickness that’s nearly impenetrable by a flashlight, let alone our feeble, blackened lungs. But we’ll be damned if the richness of that steak doesn’t cause eyes to roll back, mouths to foam, and asphyxiation to set in.

In short, we make one motherf*cker of a steak.  And you can, too!

One thing to keep in mind about meat curtains is there’s more than one manner in which to prepare them. Sure, you can go the simple route and slap them on to a hot grill with some wieners, but that’s a bit low key for a special birthday dinner. No, you want something extravagant. This is your lover’s birthday!


You’ll want to start off with a visit to your local butcher. Once there, ask him for a beefy cut of meat curtains. You’ll also want him to trim some off the excess stringy bits that surround the meat curtain as they tend to interfere with the flavor of a meat curtain’s natural juices.Trimming the surrounding fibrous bristle can also prevent choking. Plus, a completely shaved slab of meat curtains is just more visually appealing than one that’s unshaven, and it really whets the appetite. Eunice, your appetite will get so whet, you don’t even know!

Once you’ve got your meat curtains, you’ll want to think about things you can serve them with. What’s great about meat curtains is they’re very versatile. They can be paired up with nearly anything. For instance, if you wanted to go Surf-n-Turf, you can quickly steam up some clams, which have a wonderful musky scent that compliments a meat curtain’s sometimes-sweet-sometimes-acidic flavor notes. Keeping with the theme, you can also serve with it a nice cut of stuffed salmon steak, which is pictured below.

Stuffed Salmon

Of course, most people don’t like fishiness with their meat curtains as it can be a bit off putting and it can make your raging appetite shrink away.

The list of things you can do with your meat curtains is endless: beef tacos, whisker biscuits, muff pies, and cream pies, just to name a few.  But we like to keep things simple by just serving up a regular old hunk of meat curtain.

You’ll want to start off the preparation process by laying down a cutting board or some parchment paper on your work surface. Meat curtains can be very messy. To achieve maximum tenderness, you’ll want to pound the meat curtains raw. With your favorite meat hammer, just pound away at those meat curtains like there’s no tomorrow until they are soft and tender to the touch.

On occasion, you may find that your particular cut of meat curtain is excreting some blood as you pound it. Traditionally, experts have warned against pounding meat curtains until they draw blood. But the thought on this has changed over the years, and it is now believed that making a meat curtain bleed during a pounding is actually a sign of quality – that you have somehow shaken loose the meat’s impure liquid content. To rid your meat curtains of this bloody discharge, simply grab a clean white rag and put the meat curtains on the rag. After a few minutes, the rag will have soaked up all of the blood. (Fun Fact!: In some high-end steak houses, meat curtains are on the rag for up to a week! Thus removing all impurities from the meat and leaving behind nothing but pure flavor!)

The Rag

When it comes time to eat your meat curtains, one thing to keep in mind is the texture of the meat on your tongue. Since this is a rather high-end product that you’re only breaking out a few days a year (birthdays, Christmas, maybe even on your anniversary), you’re probably going to want to explain to your boyfriend how to best experience the wonders of a meat curtain. Explain to him how satisfying it is when he swirls his tongue around each individual mouthful.

Also, be careful when you cut in to it, for meat curtain’s have a tendency to squirt their hot juices after a few minutes of vigorous cutting. Not every cut of meat curtain squirts, though — just the cuts sliced off the rear section of the slab. These cuts are typically referred to by butchers and chefs as the “Good Spot.” If you can afford a G-Spot cut of meat curtains, then we recommend you first rub it gently with oil and spices to prime the meat before you pound it and most certainly before you eat it.

We Hope We’ve Helped!

5 Responses to "Resolved Questions: Meat Curtains"

  1. Lance Bass says:

    I don’t get it.

  2. whathewhat says:

    wow. just…wow. I’m a girl, and even I’m too busy being impressed to even contemplate being offended.

  3. a dude... says:

    lol nice!

  4. baba FLOOEY says:


  5. PacinTaco says:

    WOW… i’m spe…