The world is full of problems. We at Holy Taco know this, and we want to do all that we can to help. After we tried to stop global warming by giving motivational speeches to glaciers, we decided to pare down our ambitions and try to help the world on a smaller scale.
To do this, we turned to the internet, which is an electronic communications system that allows users to talk about their penis and vagina problems that may or may not involve a dog and peanut butter, as well as some other crap that just seems boring by comparison. So, rather than trying to save the world like a merry band of superheroes, we’re going to try to give you our best professional advice on some of the most pressing issues in your life. And seeing as the best place to find people desperately trying to find solutions to their problems is on Yahoo! Answers, we’re going to be stealing their questions and give those users unsolicited advice – forcibly, if we have to.
Today’s question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user Harry Moore. Harry writes:
Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Harry, we’re very glad you added in the “(serious)” tag at the end of your question. For a second there we were thinking you were taking penis farts lightly. We’re glad that you’re currently gripped with fear, because little packets of air popping out of your wiener are no laughing matter. But it can be.
Harry, have you given some thought to taping a kazoo to the tip of your member and taking this show on the road? We have an intern that can whistle with his eyes. His name is Jerry, and he’s a recreational crack user whose left eye only occasionally pops out of its socket and dangles nightmarishly when he performs his wonderful whistle trick for the delight of the crying children at Holy Taco office parties.
But, anyway, on to your question: Yes, penis farts are bad. The trouble with Phallic Flatulence is it can be caused by a number of things. For example, when you get kicked in the junk, the wind the foot is quickly pushing along can get “swallowed” by the penis, resulting in penis farts 3 to 4 days after said kick. Also, dipping your wiener in a hot bowl of bean chili just so you can make a lame “Franks and Beans” joke can not only cause harsh 2nd or 3rd degree penile burns, but beans are gassy, and the testicles lack the ability to digest foods properly; ergo, penis farts. But your case sounds very specific. You say that you had a sex dream, felt some pressure in your penis, then, upon releasing the pressure, out came some dick poots, correct?
Well, we hate to tell you this, Harry, but it sounds like your penis has reached that age where it’s bowels have become loose and its ability to control itself is all but gone. This specific condition is known as Early On-Set Pee Pee Poots, and it’s probably hereditary. Harry, you should ask your father or one of your grandfathers if they, too, suffered from EOSPPP. When you ask them, you should get very specific with the questions, so ask something like, “Dad, when you ejaculate with mom, do you sometimes find yourself having to…you know…blame the dog?” When he says, “Are you high?”, reply with, “It’s okay, dad. I know all about your penis and how it can sometimes break wind.” When he says, “Get the f*ck out of my house!” hug him and tell him everything is going to be okay. Sometimes men don’t like to admit that their penis can fart.
But not us. No. Let it be known here and now, Harry, that we at the Holy Taco offices also suffer from EOSPPP. At first, it was scary. But then, we got used to it. Now, when we eat some crackers and the crumbs fall all over our desks, we proudly whip out our penises and fart away, blowing the crumbs on to the floors and away from our work space. If you’re in our office and you feel a strange breeze brush against your neck, it’s not an open window. No, management had those permanently bricked as to prevent any further intern tossing competitions. That wind will be the wind of a fart – a fart that came out of our penises.
So raise your head up high, Harry, and be proud of your gassy wiener! Just make sure the farts don’t smell. If they do, you’re probably going to die soon.
We Hope We Helped!