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Resolved Questions: Sexual Time Travel

Yahoo Answers

Today’s question comes to us via Yahoo! Answers user Ryan B. Ryan B asks:

Yahoo answers Black out

Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “wow you must have been banging at the speed of light”

Strangely enough, the response from the Yahoo Answers! user above is on the right track. They’re still woefully incorrect, seeing as they probably know nothing about Hawking’s theory of the Ejaculatory/Time Continuum, but, hey, even idiots are right twice a day. Or is that broken clocks? Whatever. They’re both just as useless and they both look good when their faces are mounted above the fire place in the Holy Taco cigar room.

Ryan, you may have f*cked yourself in to one of the grandest scientific discoveries of the past century. Years ago legendary cyborg Stephen Hawking theorized that time travel could not be possible, but he included one caveat: humans may one day be able to unlock the secrets of time travel, but when we do, we may discover that the answer has nothing to do with technology. Through a combination of lucid memory recollection and the endorphins and dopamine released during orgasm, he theorized, a man could potentially toss his consciousness backwards or forwards in time; like Desmond from LOST, just it would require a few tissues, or possibly a tube sock.

Dirty tube sock

For years this theory was just that – a theory. But Ryan, from what you are describing in your question,it sounds an awful lot like you and your flux capacitor testicles are biting at the heels of impossibility. One can only assume that if you had somehow managed to muscle through your sexual session you would have achieved something truly historic: time travel. Where you would have ended up is anyone’s guess, and it would really depend on whatever the most prominent past or future date was floating around in your head. So, again, in theory, if you were to ejaculate while thinking about, say, the Kennedy assassination, you just may be able to transport yourself on to that grassy knoll. But, then again, if you can ejaculate while thinking about a president’s head being disintegrated in to Mexican bean dip, then you’ve got a whole nother set of problems on your hands.

Our word of advice to you, Ryan B, is keep at it and keep us (meaning, the scientific community, of which Holy Taco is its most prized and acclaimed member) abreast of all of your attempts at jizzing your way in to the future. There will be some pain, and you may feel like you’re going to ejaculate your brain stem in to a condom’s fluid reservoir but these are these risks we must take – that you must take – for the glory of discovery!


As a side note, women, too, can theoretically orgasmically travel through time; although there is a greater potential for irreparable damage to the Ejaculatory/Time Continuum. It is a fact that a woman’s orgasm is much more powerful than a man’s. It is said that if a man were to experience a women’s orgasms that his heart would go in to arrest and he’d be foaming at the mouth while soiling himself. It would be rather embarrassing, really. But still, women may also hold the key to time travel, but again, the risks are too great. A time traveling woman would instantly tear apart the fabric of reality with even the most minor of squirts. So, ladies, unless you get your jollies off of blinking all existence out of existence then we suggest you keep your legs shut and your minds clean of the past and the future…for all our sakes.

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6 Responses to "Resolved Questions: Sexual Time Travel"

  1. Gomer says:

    First! hahahahahahahahahah

  2. Gomer says:

    Take that! BOW BEFORE YOUR GOD!

    I used the sex time travel method to beat all of you underlings.

    Your God is all powerful! Muwhahahhahahahah!

  3. Anonymously ill says:

    Fuckin faggot.

  4. notsosane says:

    This is hilarious. And SECOND! Yeah, that’s right. I’m happy about being second to comment. It’s just as dumb as being happy about commenting first. Maybe you idiots will realize that.