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Resolved Questions: Spiders

Today’s question comes to us via Yahoo! Answers user Hairy: Hairy writes:

Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “lmao, seriously? your vagina isnt a cavern”

Well, you do have a point, there, Hairy. If you got to the emergency room, the doctors will surely make fun of you. That’s what doctors do. That Hippocratic Oath thing prevents them from taking a look at your embarrassing problem and calling other people in to the room to take cell phone pictures of it and post them on Facebook; or from taking one look at your ailment and giving their professional opinion of “AHHHHHHHH! YOU’RE – YOU’RE A FREAK!!” But that doesn’t mean they won’t do all that stuff when you leave. In fact, there’s a good chance that your medical file will get lodged in to the doctor’s memory banks in the section of their brain specifically designed for storing weird cases they’ll be able to tell sexy female doctors about at conventions in an attempt to get in to their pants. It may seem like a weird pick-up line to you, but “I had this one chick with a spider colony in her vag” is a real panty dropper at medical symposiums.

So, no, you shouldn’t go to the doctor to solve your arachnid problem. Luckily for you, though, there are some home remedies that you can try that might clear that eight-legged little sucker right out of there. The easiest remedy of the bunch is a commercially available, non-toxic, spider-killing spray. The “non-toxic” part is a little questionable, considering that we may or may not have made that part up (what good is sound medical advice without a hint of danger, right?), but the method is still perfectly viable. Did you know that there are even some spider-killing sprays that smell a lot like air freshener? It’s true! So you can sprits your vagina with a probably toxic agent and not fear having your nether regions smell like insect murder.

Another method you can try involves fire and a nail gun. On the surface, it sounds extremely dangerous, but it’s not. It would probably cause injuries that people in the medical field like to call “injuries incompatible with life,” but that doesn’t mean it would kill you. It just means that your injuries are counterintuitive to continuing your journey in this plane of existence. It sounds like death, but it’s not, because it’s a phrase that’s filled with a lot more fancy sounding words then just the simple and boring “death”; therefore, not death.

But, Hairy, we’re not going to lie to you, the fire and nail gun method is something we pulled straight out of the 1990 Jeff Daniels film Arachnophobia. At the end of the film, Jeff Daniels is in a basement fighting off one scary bastard of a spider. The spider catches on fire, and then it screams and leaps at him. Jeff grabs a nail gun and nails the thing in to a wall. We guess the only question we have for you now is, does your vagina scream whenever you sneeze? If it does, there’s a good chance that it’s not your vagina that’s screaming, it might be the spider being compressed by your deliciously tight vaginal walls. If fire and a nail gun worked for Jeff Daniels in that movie we saw once 20 years ago, then it would surely work for you.

But, if somehow that doesn’t work, then we suggest finding some alternative uses to the inevitable cobwebs. Maybe you won’t need to carry a purse anymore?  Or maybe Indiana Jones can walk through your vagina while tearing down large collections of spider webs? Hairy, is your vagina filled with ancient and elaborate traps and puzzles, by any chance?


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3 Responses to "Resolved Questions: Spiders"

  1. will says:

    Simple, just put a wasp nest next to your crotch and let those flying bastards take care of your spider problem.

    If that doesn’t work, I have heard of this thing called VD that works great on repelling one perticular genus of spider called the cockerous spiderificus.

  2. hitman24 says:

    Play with your self until you feel better.

  3. Kage says:

    Shove a can of Raid in there and destroy them all!