Today’s question comes to us via Yahoo! Answers user Shelby. Shelby writes:
Shelby, you’re going about it all wrong. Trust me. I’m an expert on such matters. When I’m not giving out advice to those in need during the day, I’m a janitor at a scientific research lab at night. I know all about the chemistry of homosexual brains. For instance, did you know that homosexuals can vividly recall the flavor of every penis they’ve ever been intimate with? Even more astonishing is that their brains can tell their mouths to recreate that taste. So if you were making out with a homosexual who was at the same time recalling a penis he was once intimate with in order to make making out with a woman even the slightest bit interesting, you would taste that penis. That’s just a little nugget of fact that I ask you not to research, for the lab I janitor at has yet to release the study due to some petty ACLU complaints about “human rights violations.” The ACLU is assholes.
Putting lipstick on your vagina will not help you accomplish your goal of trying to get your homosexual friend to have sex with you. If anything, it will freak him out and you’ll be left with a red smile stain on your underpanties. Actually, that last bit is a plus, really. Just imagine it: every time you drop your drawers to take a tinkle you’ll be greeted with a warm and loving smile. Every time I drop my underpants and take a gander at the color patterns that stretch from the gooch to the anus (with some slight crossover in to the testicle region), I’m reminded of my chronic irritable bowel syndrome. I can’t lipstick up my testicles or my perineum. It would just smudge around and make me think my IBS got so bad that I’m now defecating blood. But I digress.
Getting your homosexual friend to have sex with you is a goal that can be accomplished in one of two ways — both of which involve toying with homosexual senses. The first involves tricking the homosexual sense of sight. Contrary to popular belief, homosexuals are not repulsed by the sight of a vagina. The thought of having sex with one just isn’t enticing to them. But homosexual eyes are easily deceived. To play games with their vision, just pop a bratwurst in there. The phallic, meaty shape will make the homosexual think he’s closing in on a prime cut of penis. Though, try to avoid any brats seasoned with garlic or onions – or anything really. No human – gay or straight – wants to go to town on a penis that smells like a sizzling plate of fajitas.
The second tactic involves tricking the homosexual sense of smell. Just before you get your homosexual alone in a room to seduce him, you should have sex with another male. You shouldn’t use a condom and the sloppier the sex the better. You want to make sure the man you have sex with leaves his man-scent all over your lady parts. This tactic is probably better than the bratwurst one seeing as homosexuals can smell penis-stank from upwards of 80 ft. away. Some have even been known to pick up the scent from miles away off of coastal winds!
I Hope I’ve Helped!