Resolved Questions: What Does Pee or Poo Taste Like?

Today’s question comes to us from Yahoo! Answers user Aoife. Aoife writes:

Best answer from a Yahoo! Answers user: “are you parents related by blood….”

Human waste is a fine dining experience unlike any other. Even the greatest French chefs couldn’t prepare a plate of foie gras in a black truffle sauce as earth-shattering as a beefy poo braised in a urine reduction. So to answer your question directly, Aoife, pee and poo are both delicious additions to your daily meal schedule that will surely break a boring routine of foods that has not been thoroughly digested and passed through the bowels where they were sucked of their nutrients and reduced to a brown (sometimes mustard yellow) hunk of cylindrical mush.

Of course, as with all great ingredients used in main courses, a hunk of poo or a cup of pee on their own can only be made better when a little effort is applied. Yeah, you can simply squat over a plate and squeeze out a meal, but it’s only when some forethought is applied to said meal that a hunk of poo can go from a delectable excrement to a wondrous extravagance of scent and flavor. To accomplish this goal, one must take in to account what the poo and pee is made up off. For instance, the poo of a vegan will be bland and cardboard-like, and its color will be pale and sickly. Also, a vegan’s poo couldn’t fill the belly of a child, let alone a working adult; just some pathetic pebbles and strips of poo that are probably best suited for pig’s feed.

In order to produce a poo worthy of a family dinner or of a holiday feast you’ve got to consider what you’re putting in you. For starters, consuming herbs such as thyme and rosemary can give a poo hunk an earthy fragrance that pairs very well with the poo’s natural musk. And eating a sautéed onion can give a poo a subtle smokiness and sweetness reminiscent of all of those times you’ve eaten at a backyard barbeque and some dog turd odor whiffed by your nose, mixing with the flavor of the food you are eating. 

If you want to give a poo a more festive, more international flavor, you can always chow down on a couple of jalapenos and some beans, hand out a couple of sombreros to your dinner party guests, and have them playfully beat you with sticks as you strain to work out a Mexican-inspired poo that has a bit of a spicy kick. You can also consume about a cup or two of tequila to soften the poo and give it more of a sherbet consistency that guests will chow down with some tortilla chips.

But the best part about poo is its versatility. You can slap a hunk on to a plate and have it as the centerpiece of a great meal, or you can take it on-the-go as a smoothie, which is perfect for the busy working-types that don’t have time to sit down for a well-rounded bowl of feces and freshly sliced strawberries. This, of course, takes a bit more forethought than usual, but the results are ever so tasty.

I Hope I’ve Helped!