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Reviewing Movies for the End of the World

Today is the last day of the world.  If you’re reading this, assume it just hasn’t gotten to you yet.  Personally I wonder what time zone the world ends in first.  Do the Japanese get it?  That’s rough for them.  But maybe they get to experience the most of Friday before it happens.  It’d be really sucky for them if they made it all the way into Saturday before the world ended, because they’d think they got away with something.  Anyway, here’s how movies break down, given that we’re all doomed.

This is 40

This is a pseudo sequel to Knocked Up, which I didn’t much care for to begin with and features Paul Rudd, who I do find funny.  Unfortunately the world is ending so Paul Rudd’s antics are all for nothing and I hope he’s satisfied with his mark on the world.  Personally I could have had more threesomes, but you take what you can get.  I don’t mean I wanted a threesome with Paul Rudd, incidentally.  I’d be really distracted if that was going on, because I’d want to ask him questions about his movies and stuff, or maybe try to sell him on some of my ideas, but the fact that we’re double teaming someone, and the world is ending, would likely make it really uncool overall.

Jack Reacher

Here’s what audiences in Japan have to say about Jack Reacher – “OH GOD NO!  IT’S RODAN!  RODAN IS THE END OF THE WORLD FOR US!  HE’S DESTROYING EVERYTHING!  OH NOOOAAAGHHHHH…”


The Guilt Trip

Seth Rogen is a Jew.  So is Barbara Streisand.  Toss in some strippers and you got yourself the end of the world.  I really don’t know why you’re going to see a movie today, to be honest.  If I were you, I’d be looting.  I know that doesn’t seem to make much sense but follow me on this – what if you can take it with you?  You’ll be the go-to man in the afterlife if you have all the TVs.

Monsters Inc 3D

This movie came out already.  Listen Disney, we get it.  It’s a fine animated feature and it was well done and everyone enjoyed it.  But none of that necessitates forcing an extra dimension into the movie and expecting me to pay to see it again and I’ll tell you why – we already exist in the 3rd dimension.  I see 3D shit all the time.  My dog is 3D, my Fleshlights are 3D, the case my original copy of Monsters Inc on DVD came in is in 3D because reality makes it that way.  If you want to impress me, re-release your movies in the fourth dimension so I can watch them with famous historical figures who are lost in the same time stream as my local theater.  I will pay $16 to sit down with a tub of Orangina and watch Monsters Inc. with Grover Cleveland.

Cirque du Soleil: Worlds Away

I can’t even imagine what the hell is going on here.  Is this why the world is ending?  We’ll probably never know.  I’ve got nothing against Cirque du Soleil, other than the obvious, but I’m a little upset if their antics caused Rodan to destroy Japan.

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